Beryl by Sarah Page Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Beryl by Sarah Page Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. We liked the concept of this story - an old lady behaving badly to get a kiss from a gullible young orderly. However, you seem to rush to get to the punchline and we'd suggest you go back and look at how you have set up of this story.
2. In particular, where does Joe fit into the story? You suggest he has worked there for sometime - if this was the case then he'd know what teasers Sue and Beryl are. Perhaps by making him new, or having him as a trainee would set Joe - and the scenario - up better
3. Sue seems to pre-empt Beryl's memory loss and thus the story itself by awakening and not knowing where she is. How can you use this section and Sue herself to further set up or add to the story? Don't be afraid to misdirect the audience. They shouldn't see what is coming.
4. Sharpen the dialogue. In some places it is a little exposition heavy. How can you make it crisper? How can Beryl reel Joe into her tease further? How uncomfortable can you make Joe?
Have your say, what do you think?
-
#1
Nicely done. The twist is predictable but that doesn't diminish from the charm and humour. I feel the monologue needs a little polish, but the structure works.
-
#2
Nice one! The twist at the end made me chuckle. A little work on Beryl's dialogue may be required, but overall I think it works really well.
-
#3
For what it's worth, I didn't find the twist predictable and it made me smile - congratulations!
-
#4
Nice. Maybe a little predictable, but as Damian's said, doesn't detract from it. I think it's perhaps made more predictable because of how Sue teases him at the start, but I really love that bit (though the 'we've met many times before' sounds a little unnatural, personally I'd cut it and just have the his name bit and the 4 down bit.)
I'm not sure whether this would work, but could you perhaps have a double twist at the end? Beryl and Sue sat their giggling but then we see Joe also has a sly grin? Dunno. That might just be creepy.
Those are all minor points though, it's still really good. -
#5
I absolutely love this. Made me howl. These ladies are so pesky, love ‘em! When I was reading it I loved Sue initially winding Joe up by pretending she’d forgotten who he was at first, but does this perhaps give the game away as this is what your final gag is. And could you think about breaking up Beryl’s large speech with cut aways showing Joe and Sue exchanging concerned expressions, Sue putting on an Oscar winning performance. Huge congrats!
-
#6
Good funny story but have to work on dialogue.
Maybe Joe should be new or he will know Beryl is with it. -
#7
I have the same comment as Craig - I didn't buy in to the story because it didn't make sense that Joe wouldn't know anything about Beryl. If, as Craig suggests, he's new - then it would seem to play a lot better. Not sure how you go about that though . . . maybe a short intro from a supervisor at the beginning to the ladies and then the supervisor gets called away quickly leaving the new hire standing there and then the trick happens.
Of course if you do that, then you lose the setup with Sue . . .
Maybe change the character from an orderly to a family member visiting Sue?
In any event - enjoyed the humor. Congrats on making the 50!
Cheers,
Rob
Write a comment
Sarah Page (Thursday, 13 September 2012 13:48)
Thanks to everyone who took the time to give feedback on the 1st Draft- hopefully I addressed these issues in Draft 2. Really excited to see that a couple of film-makers have selected Beryl. If you're interested in making Beryl feel free to get in touch with me (my contact details are on the script) or via twitter @SarahGPage.