Neil by Nigel Karikari Draft 2

DRAFT 2
50 Kisses_Neil_2.0.pdf
Adobe Acrobat Document 27.7 KB

Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!

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Comments: 3
  • #1

    Nigel (Monday, 20 August 2012 04:23)

    Thanks to everyone who read the script! It's been awesome reading all the comments. Some I've incorporated in this new draft.

    The comments about making the room more normal were spot on. And I think the suggestion about finding a way to take out the 'crying' and allow the actor to find their own emotional connection is also a good one. I guess in 2 pages 'crying' becomes a bit of a shorthand!

    I decided to keep Neil crying in the end because his physical response is one of the aims of the test programme - can the most intimate human interaction elicit the 'real' physical response they've been hoping to achieve? Can he experience a profound emotion.

    I have my own ideas about why Rita cries or has such an emotional reaction but decided to leave that open and let the actor fill that with their own experiences.

    In a longer version of the script which I'm now working on it does become Rita's story rather than Neil's.

    I understand the lack of love for the 'Feb 14th clock' shot. It's a little forced perhaps, though what could be sadder than sitting in a testing lab kissing a 'robot' on valentines day! Something about that I like.

    I can't wait to see the films! Anyone who is thinking of shooting this script, please feel free to swap genders etc.

    Good luck

    Cheers

    Nigel

  • #2

    Nigel (Thursday, 30 August 2012 04:12)

    Wow! Lots of interest in the script. I'm very excited!

    I've been asked to provide a few more questions for the questionaire Rita is asked to fill out. So for anyone else who wants to play with this aspect of the script here are a few more questions.

    Cheers

    Nigel

    Questions

    Have you ever interacted with a unit like Neil before?

    How realistic was Neil to the touch?

    At what point, if any did you forget that Neil was artificial?

    On a scale of one to ten with ten being highly responsive and one being unresponsive how would you rate Neil's emotional sensitivity?

    Did you find yourself drawn to Neil in any way?

    How did he make you feel?

  • #3

    Mark Morris (Tuesday, 06 November 2012 15:01)

    I just read this. I wish I'd made this one as well.

Write a comment

Comments: 3
  • #1

    Nigel (Monday, 20 August 2012 04:23)

    Thanks to everyone who read the script! It's been awesome reading all the comments. Some I've incorporated in this new draft.

    The comments about making the room more normal were spot on. And I think the suggestion about finding a way to take out the 'crying' and allow the actor to find their own emotional connection is also a good one. I guess in 2 pages 'crying' becomes a bit of a shorthand!

    I decided to keep Neil crying in the end because his physical response is one of the aims of the test programme - can the most intimate human interaction elicit the 'real' physical response they've been hoping to achieve? Can he experience a profound emotion.

    I have my own ideas about why Rita cries or has such an emotional reaction but decided to leave that open and let the actor fill that with their own experiences.

    In a longer version of the script which I'm now working on it does become Rita's story rather than Neil's.

    I understand the lack of love for the 'Feb 14th clock' shot. It's a little forced perhaps, though what could be sadder than sitting in a testing lab kissing a 'robot' on valentines day! Something about that I like.

    I can't wait to see the films! Anyone who is thinking of shooting this script, please feel free to swap genders etc.

    Good luck

    Cheers

    Nigel

  • #2

    Nigel (Thursday, 30 August 2012 04:12)

    Wow! Lots of interest in the script. I'm very excited!

    I've been asked to provide a few more questions for the questionaire Rita is asked to fill out. So for anyone else who wants to play with this aspect of the script here are a few more questions.

    Cheers

    Nigel

    Questions

    Have you ever interacted with a unit like Neil before?

    How realistic was Neil to the touch?

    At what point, if any did you forget that Neil was artificial?

    On a scale of one to ten with ten being highly responsive and one being unresponsive how would you rate Neil's emotional sensitivity?

    Did you find yourself drawn to Neil in any way?

    How did he make you feel?

  • #3

    Mark Morris (Tuesday, 06 November 2012 15:01)

    I just read this. I wish I'd made this one as well.

Neil by Nigel Karikari Draft 1

On the most manufactured 'holiday' of the year, can love be manufactured?
Neil - Draft 1.3.pdf
Adobe Acrobat Document 27.8 KB

Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author

1. We liked this script, thought it was a good idea well executed. You might want to consider taking the explicit crying instruction out. Let the actor show the emotions the character is feeling on their face.  

2. You might want to consider having the woman be questioned about her experience rather than fill in a form. This way the audience gets to hear what she is being asked and why she is showing her emotions.

Have your say, what do you think?

Comments: 9 (Discussion closed)
  • #1

    Jon Mills (Friday, 03 August 2012 21:30)

    I really like the idea of this, and the transition to the testing environment worked really well. However... I was a little confused about Rita. Is she a member of the public, or one of the people who've made Neil - in which case why is she upset? It may be that you're happy for this to be ambiguous, which is fine, but I think in the context of 50 stories it might get lost if there are too many questions - which would be a shame because it's a great idea and very different from the others.

    Cheers,


    Jon

  • #2

    Colleen (Saturday, 04 August 2012 02:14)

    I liked this a lot, very original. I wasn't too confused about Rita, i got that she was a 'tester', but she was very very sad seeming. Not sure if that was on purpose, but it may have been a little too much. Perhaps in the beginning she can be more nervous/excited? Not sure what it needs, but Rita need another element. Very cool though! Want a full feature!

  • #3

    Harvey (Saturday, 04 August 2012 03:11)

    I really liked the tagline idea of matching the manufactured holiday to manufactured love/passion. Its a good story that perhaps is too subtle in that statement. Can we call the manbot Hal Mark 2.0? Hehe. Good setup.

  • #4

    Phil Charles (Saturday, 04 August 2012 17:13)

    Really well written, I was totally intrigued. I think it would be more surprising if you teased us into thinking this was a more normalish setting. As soon as you say no windows I started guessing where we could be going. Wouldn’t Rita be fascinated by him, subtly inspecting his features rather than looking away. Because I love the questionnaire scene at the end, would it help to see it as Rita’s story. Has she been wrestling with taking part in this research. Then having actually been with Neil she’s guilt-ridden, thinks it’s cruel. She could screw up the questionnaire telling us what she now thinks of the process. Just felt we needed a final beat from her. Huge congrats.

  • #5

    C Bacon (Saturday, 04 August 2012 17:30)

    A terrifically written piece - loved where he said he hoped to remember her. Congratulations!

  • #6

    Andy Robinson (Saturday, 04 August 2012 20:35)

    Huge potential in this story - could be nudged in so many different directions because there is still a fair amount of ambiguity in the script. Want to know what Rita's backstory is to make her react the way she does.

  • #7

    Damian Mallon (Sunday, 05 August 2012 06:46)

    I have to agree with the coments above, I empathized more with Rita than with Neil. I think cutting the last two scenes together would allow us to see the impact on both characters, give us the reveal, but allow us to end on Rita.

  • #8

    Rachel McAdam (Monday, 06 August 2012 16:14)

    Really liked this story. The manufactured element of St. Valentine's Day taken quite a few steps further. Particularly struck by how you managed to make it so emotional. Will be intersted to see how the finished product works, because it has huge potential.

  • #9

    Craig (Monday, 06 August 2012 18:44)

    I didn't get why she crys? Maybe if she answer the question on the form it would let us know.

    I don't like where people show a clock and it says it's Feb 14th, just to crowbar the Valentine's day bit in. Anyway the rules say "Your story should be set on Valentines day or night. It does not need to contain a Valentines theme, but should plausibly be set then." So as long as you don't put a Christmas tree up you should be ok!

    I see this working well but will it leave the audience thinking about it when the next one starts? Something the judges were trying to avoid.

Comments: 9 (Discussion closed)
  • #1

    Jon Mills (Friday, 03 August 2012 21:30)

    I really like the idea of this, and the transition to the testing environment worked really well. However... I was a little confused about Rita. Is she a member of the public, or one of the people who've made Neil - in which case why is she upset? It may be that you're happy for this to be ambiguous, which is fine, but I think in the context of 50 stories it might get lost if there are too many questions - which would be a shame because it's a great idea and very different from the others.

    Cheers,


    Jon

  • #2

    Colleen (Saturday, 04 August 2012 02:14)

    I liked this a lot, very original. I wasn't too confused about Rita, i got that she was a 'tester', but she was very very sad seeming. Not sure if that was on purpose, but it may have been a little too much. Perhaps in the beginning she can be more nervous/excited? Not sure what it needs, but Rita need another element. Very cool though! Want a full feature!

  • #3

    Harvey (Saturday, 04 August 2012 03:11)

    I really liked the tagline idea of matching the manufactured holiday to manufactured love/passion. Its a good story that perhaps is too subtle in that statement. Can we call the manbot Hal Mark 2.0? Hehe. Good setup.

  • #4

    Phil Charles (Saturday, 04 August 2012 17:13)

    Really well written, I was totally intrigued. I think it would be more surprising if you teased us into thinking this was a more normalish setting. As soon as you say no windows I started guessing where we could be going. Wouldn’t Rita be fascinated by him, subtly inspecting his features rather than looking away. Because I love the questionnaire scene at the end, would it help to see it as Rita’s story. Has she been wrestling with taking part in this research. Then having actually been with Neil she’s guilt-ridden, thinks it’s cruel. She could screw up the questionnaire telling us what she now thinks of the process. Just felt we needed a final beat from her. Huge congrats.

  • #5

    C Bacon (Saturday, 04 August 2012 17:30)

    A terrifically written piece - loved where he said he hoped to remember her. Congratulations!

  • #6

    Andy Robinson (Saturday, 04 August 2012 20:35)

    Huge potential in this story - could be nudged in so many different directions because there is still a fair amount of ambiguity in the script. Want to know what Rita's backstory is to make her react the way she does.

  • #7

    Damian Mallon (Sunday, 05 August 2012 06:46)

    I have to agree with the coments above, I empathized more with Rita than with Neil. I think cutting the last two scenes together would allow us to see the impact on both characters, give us the reveal, but allow us to end on Rita.

  • #8

    Rachel McAdam (Monday, 06 August 2012 16:14)

    Really liked this story. The manufactured element of St. Valentine's Day taken quite a few steps further. Particularly struck by how you managed to make it so emotional. Will be intersted to see how the finished product works, because it has huge potential.

  • #9

    Craig (Monday, 06 August 2012 18:44)

    I didn't get why she crys? Maybe if she answer the question on the form it would let us know.

    I don't like where people show a clock and it says it's Feb 14th, just to crowbar the Valentine's day bit in. Anyway the rules say "Your story should be set on Valentines day or night. It does not need to contain a Valentines theme, but should plausibly be set then." So as long as you don't put a Christmas tree up you should be ok!

    I see this working well but will it leave the audience thinking about it when the next one starts? Something the judges were trying to avoid.