RETITLE: The Faded Rose by Andrew Turvil Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
On thy Cheeks a Fading Rose by Andrew Turvil Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. We suggest you change the title of the film as it doesn’t sum up about the script is about. As the filmmakers come to the site and begin looking at the scripts, the first thing that will
attract them is the title.
2. It is worth noting that a filmmaker with a visual style might focus on the rose entirely and ignore dialogue – it might be worth you preempting this. Most of it is not central or useful to the
story. Perhaps consider cutting it and finding other visually ways to show the journey of this rose?
Have your say, what do you think?
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#1
Is that a metaphor I see before me? Getting a metaphor into a two page script...good job.
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#2
i LOVE this! sweet, tender, clever and modern. was intrigued by the title from the get go and it was so well written.
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#3
With some quality shooting and editing this has the potential to be a standout entry. I really like the idea and I hope that someone does it justice in filming.
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#4
Enjoyed reading your script. It’s really lovely. Afraid I’ve no constructive comments to offer on how to improve it. Great stuff!
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#5
Really great stuff Andrew! I imagine this will look beautiful, if done right on the camera. Props to you for such a well crafted script.
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#6
This is very differant to the other, which is a good thing, but will it look out of place with the other 49.
It's got a slow pace, again not in a bad way, with shots of a flower and just the noise going on around it.
I do hope I'm proved wrong with this. -
#7
I completely disagree with your comment Craig. Surely being unique is a good thing? Whats the point if they're all the same? A sublime piece of writing, thought provoking and metaphorically beautiful. Really well done!
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#8
Hi Sam.
I didn't say this piece is wrong, It's very good. But which one of the other 49 will go before and after this one?
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#9
Looks like i'm following a well deserved trend here. An amazing piece of work, loved reading it. Congratulations!
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#10
By far the best screenplay i have read on here. Very nice work indeed.
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#11
Very very well written, a really nice script. You took such a simple idea and turned it into something great. Well done!
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#12
A really lovely script. Nicely presented and a pleasure to read. Congratulations!
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#13
Hi
Thanks for all the comments so far. It's a tense business opening up the file each day to discover what vibes have beamed down from cyberspace.
I've read all the other screenplays now and it is a good and varied mix. Knitting them together is the big challenge of course, and it will be very exciting to see how each is interpreted by the various filmmakers. And it's great that there's a good number of non-British winners.
A question for the 50 Kisses team if they're watching:
How many filmmakers have registered thus far?
Cheers
Andrew
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#14
I really loved this - telling the story of the day in the life of a lone rose. I wanted something positive to happen to the rose - and it did.
The only thing that distracted me when reading were all the PULL BACK/CUT TOs you have in it, which as screenplay writers we're always told not to do.
'PULL BACK: The flower seller puts the money in his pouch as
the city boy hurries off through the throng with his flowers.'
It's enough that you write -
"The flower seller puts the money in his pouch as
the city boy hurries off through the throng with his flowers."
HOMELESS WOMAN
You know the date?
HOMELESS MAN
Tuesday?
She smiles, leans over and kisses him on the cheek.
I like this - how she knows it's valentine's, but he obviously doesn't. But should she perhaps say - "You know the day", rather than the date, as his response is 'Tuesday'?
The business on the stall section... Perhaps lay it out as a montage.
MONTAGE
A) A YOUNG MAN buys a dozen roses
B) A YOUNG WOMAN some lilies
C) Roses grabbed up.
D) Money paid.
E) Flowers grabbed and wrapped.
Anyway, it's great. All the best with the rest of the process.
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#15
Hi Milethia, thanks for the feedback. Good points all.
I decided to include close ups and pull backs primarily as I wanted to establish the rose as a character and it seemed like a reasonable way to set about it. On your second point, I agree that 'day' is better than 'date'. Thirdly your montage suggestion. I was simply trying to save space to squeeze the darn thing onto two pages, but don't tell the 50 Kisses team ;-)
Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Andrew -
#16
You actually brought tears to my eyes.
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