Poster Boy by Tracey Flynn Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Poster Boy by Tracey Flynn Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. We felt this was a really visual piece and would attract a visual filmmaker. No dialogue seems to work with the character and story.
2. We felt you need to show how the character grows by the end of the piece. She is insular and closed, while the incident she has experienced wouldn't cause her to somehow change personalities,
would she at least consider calling the number at the end?
Have your say, what do you think?
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#1
Nicely done.
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#2
I like the flower from paper, bit that stood out for me. This is the third script I've read and I'm not entirely convinced something brilliant can come out of two pages, not a criticism of this script in particular, just the ones I've read in general. Think of the amount of story a music video can get across in 3 1/2 minutes and nobody seems to get close in 2...
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#3
I thought this was very interesting tonally (in a good way!), with the potential for an absolutely visually stunning conclusion, with a lovely little twist in the tail.
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#4
I enjoyed this one! Like the change of tone with the rip, then bringing it back with the flower.
No real development notes other than to wonder whether there's a need to see him writing something on the paper before he rips it up, or to see him holding a pencil or pen etc. Maybe that's overkill and we get that it's his number.
Well done, and please feel free to give me any notes on my script, Practice Makes Perfect. Cheers. -
#5
I liked the story, however i think the female character needs to be developed more. It's not very clear why she acts like this when she is presented a flower. We see hints but can be better. It has a lot of potential to be a very good short due to less dialogue and a lot of visuals.
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#6
Thought it was a nice sweet story with plenty of potential and a good message. Feel there is still room for it to flow a bit better but overal I reallt like it. Good Concept
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#7
Excellent. Great visual storytelling. Inventive throughout. Offers something for all actors. Can't wait to see the product!
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#8
Really nice script, well done! Convincingly almost-silent, with a clear story throughout.
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#9
A fellow non dialoguer.
I agree with some of the other cooments, a comment on AVA's appearence, maybe a bit more emphasis on how she is uncomfortable with the people around her. And we don't need to Jorome write anything, as he could have done that any time, as the mosaique shrine is fianlly completed that's when she notices.
Overall a good story, I like. -
#10
i liked this unusual little tale, it stands out as being one of the most original scripts. my only little query would be: would she perhaps pretend she is taking it from his hand as she stands in front of her photographs, maybe brushing over the photo might not convey that she is finally ready to accept it? just a thought but lovely script.
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#11
Didn't why she ran away? Didn't see she was shy.
Even if we she he's writing his number or not doesn't matter, she "shy" and still wouldn't take it.
Don't see where the story is going?
On a light note, where can I get aphone like hers? It's got a good camera on it to see a number on a photo blown up that big??? -
#12
Provided that Ava is firmly established to be 'locked into her own world' this will work. The initial setup will make or break it. I'd probably shoot it with the music from Ava's headphones the primary sound throughout the bus scene, with the applause and the Over Zealous Woman only just managing to break through (maybe the woman knocks her earphones out and the world breaks in for a second before she replaces them?).
I like this one and think it has a clever ending. -
#13
Do you know Damian, her earphones popping out was written into earlier drafts. . .only just noticed that it's NOT in this one! Noted. Thanks!
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#14
Hi. Really liked this take on the theme. With the right actress there should be a sense of the hopelessness Ava feels. There's enough going on to show that she's a woman not altogether happy with her lot. The bit where she takes a photograph and then runs off had me chuckling inside and also thinking 'No!'
#12 - agree. Her music becomes the soundtrack for the film. It could be, at the end, earphones back in, the music she listens to is more upbeat, hinting at a possible change in her demeanour.
Perhaps just have Jerome sticking a pencil behind his ear, or something, as Ava looks at him; don't need anything as obvious as having him write on it - this would spoil the ending - but just puts in the viewers' heads that he has a pencil.
All the best with this FANTASTIC project - and all your writing. -
#15
Thank you everyone for taking your time to read and adding your thoughts!
Concerning the pencil: It occurs to me, Ava has one that, at the moment, mysteriously disappears! - but could be dropped as she stands and be picked up (by Jerome) as it rolls along the concrete. .. -
#16
Hi Tracy, I thought this had some nice imagery in it. I agree that the tone of your writing really comes across well, verging on prose at times.
I have a few comments/ideas, take or leave them as you will...
Overall, I think this story could be simplified and made slightly more believable. I really like the beginning when Ava is scribbling/drawing to music. I'm imagining this gothic/type girl, perhaps slightly jaded/angry with the world. Teenage hormones. For some reason I'm thinking someone like Jane from American Beauty. She's in the zone, scribbling her emotions through imagery - no words.
1. To break her concentration/get the ball rolling, what about if the battery on her ipod dies? The music cuts out. This makes her take notice of the cringeworthy events taking place up the other end of the bus. How could you not witness something as classy as that? ;)
2. And rather than Ava being hugged by some random woman, have the elated woman (passenger) hug the couple and Ava witnesses this from afar (showing her detachment from intimacy), she slinks down further in her seat, not wanting to be any part of it. Perhaps, she does an amusing doodle of the couple: a bride throwing up...a groom wielding a dagger... I dunno, something to convey her anger/dismay at the situation. This is how she interprets/deals with it.
3. As for the notepad falling to the ground, I would cut that. What do people do on a bus apart from stare out of windows aimlessly? They people watch. For me, keep it simple. Have Ava suddenly notice that this guy (Jerome) has been watching her out of the corner of his eye (perhaps he has also been doodling) and she catches him smiling at her reaction to the proposal. This would make sense when he approaches her to be on her guard, recoil when he hands her the flower, and take his photo, as if to catalog it as potential evidence.
4. As for the ending. Love it. Yeah, as one of the other comments suggested, she must have a good camera on her phone(!) but I think that's a minor detail.
All in all. Good work! -
#17
What a lovely script! Really inventive, and love how the tone changes at various points (especially the torn page becoming a flower). I like Ava's unpredictability, really keeps you wondering how it will all pan out. I agree it might be nice to see a pencil somewhere (as foreshadowing), but there's no need to see it being used - gotta keep some magic! :-)
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#18
Holly balls, woman! Didn't know that this much could be packed into two pages. Awesome!
Write a comment
Juliet (Wednesday, 22 August 2012 20:54)
The story was captivating and I quickly became absorbed by the scenario. I read draft two first and particularly enjoyed the opening, through which I deduced Ava's back story, and the writing of the situation at the bus stop post hug. The conclusion back at the bedsit was nicely rounded - the 'colours' throughout the story could be imagined and were certainly brightest at the end.
After reading draft one, while I am no expert, I felt the changes made were very beneficial: Ava, as a character was far more understandable - particularly her reaction to each situation i.e. venturing outside, the uncomfortable hug and back in her bedsit.
Would love to see/read more of this - very moving on many different levels.
Lynda James (Wednesday, 22 August 2012 21:13)
Really enjoyed this Tracey. Very sensory and I felt the atmosphere change when she realises the torn picture is now an origami flower - just a thought origami doesn't tear/cut paper, that's called kirigami, but I guess Jerome only uses half of the picture, what happens the other half? A minor detail I know.
I liked a comment about the random person hugging the couple rather than Ava, making more of her detatchment and contrasting starkly with the general mood in the bus stop.
Well done - Is this a competition?
Bonxious Johnson (Tuesday, 11 September 2012 19:52)
A triumph of writing dense with imagery, movement, meaning and emotion. I award it ALL the stars because that's the size of the pleasure bump reading it gave me. Tracey Flynn, you've got to be the most hardworking screenwriter on the planet to demonstrate such sterling craftsmanship.
William Mager (Thursday, 18 October 2012 18:01)
Wow - this is like a perfect little short story. So many different things happening, conveyed with such economy and powerful imagery.
I'm really regretting coming to this competition so late. I'd have moved mountains to try and make this one.
Billy