Priceless by Vanessa Yardley Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Priceless by Vanessa Yardley Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. Consider your set up of the prostitutes life. Is this life one that the woman is happy with? Would she want to escape if it is presented to her? If so, this needs to be reflected. Although it
is largely the boys story, you give her the chance to escape at the end – so we need to think she may or may not take it. Raise the stakes for her.
2. Would the other lads stay around when their friend is getting beaten up? Would they scarper?
Have your say, what do you think?
-
#14
Really nice. Agree with the producer notes and also think a stronger decision on Gaz's fate should be made, just to firmly set the tone. Which from my reading is a light black comedy. Right up my street.
-
#13
This was great! The only thing I would add is that it doesn't have a real closing image... other than that, fantastic!
-
#12
Loved this script. Especially how you drew a children's tv character into the list of sexual positions. It reminds us how young he is and emphasises the contrast between her world and his.
Gaz spasming - not sure how injured/near death he's meant to be. Just hope he's got memory loss.
Great script.
-
#11
Dialogue is great. I can imagine a scenario like this having taken place.
Perhaps Shandi could display something more of her nerves as she talks to Sam, looking around constantly, as if she expects Gaz to arrive. This will be something Gaz does regularly, so although she wants to engage with Sam, she should be a little wary.
The ending, as others have said, doesn't 'sit well' with me. I'm left feeling something terrible has happened - Gaz is dead - like it's a scene taken out of a bigger movie and more is to come; and I'm not sure it should be like this; rather, show that everything will be okay when Gaz stirs, or another prostitute goes to help him up - or something like this.
Well done. All the best for your script's progress.
-
#10
We start with a nervous kid and an indifferent prostitute and end with a 'man' and a spasming body.
I have to agree with the comments regarding Gaz, if we see him stirring, or coming round and starting to pick himself, rather than just spasming up our sense of satisfaction isn't ruined by the idea that Sam has near killed a man.
The dialogue is snappy, but Gaz's entrance does need a bit more. Maybe he is doing a slow drive by then quickly backs up to confront Shandi when he sees her talking to Sam. -
#9
Loved this story. The beginning makes you wonder what's going to happen. The kiss from the prostitute gives her character depth as she appreciates what this kid has done for her, and allows him to be 'the man' to his friends (that's what I read from it). Great story. I agree with other comments. maybe show the pimp move just before the boy takes off. Just subtle movement to show he's hurt really bad. Great story.
-
#8
although i first thought, uh-oh seen this premise loads of times before, your witty dialogue and harsh realities really worked. my only comment would be that i think the pimp should be seen making a move to get up. unless you want him to be dead? but then that takes the edge off the young mans heroics? very funny script.
-
#7
Loved this! Shandi running through the list of what she offers made me howl with laughter. Beautiful writing. A really well crafted script on so many levels. The only thing I thought is could you possibly foreshadow Gaz’s arrival by having Shandi ignore a phone call that comes through, her seeing his name on screen, sighing and punching it off type thing. This wouldn’t give anything away and could just go over/under all the dialogue you presently have. Probably not needed but the only constructive thing I can think to say! Huge congratulations.
-
#6
Very good indeed. Loved the skanky dalek (didn't think I'd ever be saying that...)
-
#5
I agree, excellent. I loved "Valentines is our biggest day" - funny, sad and possibly true (but shouldn't it be "night?"). But too much of the urban dictionary - the speech will be funnier for being shorter. But these are small points, and the story is pretty indestructible.
-
#4
Hi Vanessa,
Well done on getting to the final 50.
"Make Up with a Shovel" made me laugh. Likewise "The Skanky Dalek".
Wish I had something more constructive to add that just praise. Any areas you've got queries about? -
#3
Hi Vanessa,
This was great. Genuine 5 out of 5. Totally didn't see that coming! I'm worried for the guy now! Did he make it?
From a development point of view, I've got nothing really, other than possibly changing the order of the positions. I really like how this builds:
Missionary, Sixty-Nine, Doggie-
Style, Dirty Sanchez, The Cowgirl, Reverse Cowgirl, Cowgirl 3D, Cowgirl vs Aliens,
But then for me it looses it a bit here.
The Pile-driver, The Rusty Bike Pump, The Faulty Smoke Detector, The Nasty Womble, The Skanky Dalek...
I think it's the Pile Driver that feels a bit out of place. It seems much more familiar than the cow girl stuff and i feel like it makes the gag lose a bit of its energy.
For me, rusty bike pump and faulty smoke detector are the two best ones - really great - so I'd probably suggest putting them last. There's something magical in their mundanity. And I can really see the kids eyes getting wider and wider and wider! Anyway, this is highly subjective!
The other note is about the dude on the floor. At the moment, he's spasming and I'm not sure if he's going to be ok. I guess he will, otherwise he wouldn't be moving. It's really a question of tone. If he gets up and does a 'you pesky kids' scooby doo type thing, then you get a clean happy ending but on the other hand, if he dies or is as good as dead, that really changes the tone: the kid starts out wanting to become a man through sex, but ends up becoming a man by being hit by the harsh realities of violence.
I think it's very much a matter for you, but my point is simply that if you pick one outcome and really run with it - he's ok or he's not ok - you might make the ending even more punchy.
As I said, these are very subjective notes, given in the spirit of 50 kisses. I hope they're helpful, if not just bin them.
It's a really fresh, great script and, as I said, a real 5 out of 5.
Do feel free to have a read of mine, Practice Makes Perfect. I'd love to know what you think.
cheers
mark -
#2
Absolutely loved this - emotional roller coaster - laughed out loud, then it creates a genuine sense of tension and fear, then triumph. Tremendous stuff!
-
#1
5th entry down. First 5/5 for me. I would've hoped all 50 winners would have been, but not the case so far. This one is excellent though. Congrats.
Stevo of the 6210 (Wednesday, 10 October 2012 16:33)
It's not bad at all. Can Easily imagine this being shot near Northbridge, round East Perth or Mt. Lawley. A Mandurah local like me as well? Small world!