Romantic Hideaway by Kulvinder Gill Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Romantic Hideaway by Kulvinder Gill Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. We felt it was a strong script. However, perhaps we need to read a little more into the breakfast assembling scene. Is there a way you can further misdirect the audience? Or make them feel
that something isn’t quite right, but we can’t quite put our fingers on it?
2. Consider whether you need the last shot of the house. It might be difficult for a filmmaker working primarily in an urban setting to shoot.
Have your say, what do you think?
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#1
This is a disturbing but very good story. It would be funny if she were to give him an unwilling "kiss of life". And i don't think this would harm the tone of the screenplay. just an idea, because it's good as it is now.
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#2
Romantic Hideaway by Kulvinder Gill
Great story! I totally agree with Staré's comment. It would be brilliant to end with her desperately trying to revive him. -
#3
Another good one this. Well done. Great imagery and a script with imagination. Well done.
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#4
It's a very hard tone to establish so I'm impressed by what Kulvinder the writer did here. Russell, I'm glad you liked the idea of kiss of life. Usually when i come up with an idea, i believe in it only if the majority agrees with it.
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#5
Very good story told in such a short space of time.
Like it a lot. -
#6
One of my favorites. Tense and exciting. I like the stark end.
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#7
Gotta say, how good to see some genuine nastiness amid the schmalz and humour. Leave it as it is, so we can still hope she'll get out, though we don't know how. If she gives Norman the kiss of life, she stays captive.
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#8
Hi Kulvinder,
Great. Nice twist, but comes early enough to allow for the action to develop further with another twist.
My only thought as far as development goes would be on the establishing shot at the beginning: "nestling on its own, amidst empty fields and countryside." I think the pan out at the end is great but it loses some power if we set up the cottage as being mega isolated from the start.
Maybe it could be more of a closer shot of the pretty front door with rosebushes or whatever at the beginning.
Anyway, really great, and do feel free to comment on mine, Practice Makes Perfect.
cheers -
#9
!DAMN TAGLINES!
One of my pet hates. Where is the surprise of her being held captive? Was told that before I started reading!!!
Even if I didn't know beforehand I felt the reveal comes far too early and too much time is spent on showing her trying to escape.
When she kisses him (if she would) I didn't get a sense that he was distracted, admittedly he was because he closed his eyes. But do we see the darkness of his eyes closed, you don't say? The reader/viewer has to be distracted also.
I think it would work better if you had a visual where he turns away from her and the crashing sound is where the tray is hit over his head. He falls down revealing the girl chained up behind him. -
#10
I agree with Craig about the distraction part, it needs more description. And I agree with Mark, if we want to show the irony of her getting rid of the man who is actually the only one who can save her from starvation, then it's better not to show that the house is in the middle of nowhere as an establishing shot.
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#11
A strong story - almost in the same mould as 'Misery'. I agree with the other comments about the irony of the captive trying to revive the captor at the end working well. Reading this story, though, I do wonder about the intended audience for this feature film - what would a person expect, or want from a film called '50 Kisses'? Would this story be a refreshing surprise, or a shock?
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#12
My favourite so far. Great, chilling ending. Will be super in the finished film as it will completely surprise (no tagline to spoil things!).
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#13
Enjoyed this. Abductor Norman preparing a ‘romantic’ Valentine’s breakfast is beautifully chilling. I love the ‘even better than last year’ line, hinting at how long this has been going on for this poor girl. A few thoughts. Could Elena be pretending to be asleep when Norman enters. I appreciate you can’t give too much away, but wouldn’t she be psyching herself up, preparing for what she’s about to do. Or was it a spur of the moment decision to strangle him? If it was spur of the moment, I feel something needs to trigger it. Norman’s suggestion of what he has planned for her later perhaps?
It’s great fellow writers have kindly given you really helpful suggestions, but I don’t personally like the idea of her giving him the kiss of life. This is a man who has abducted her, kept her hostage, presumably repeatedly raped her. Wouldn’t she absolutely despise him, want to see him dead, despite the fact it may mean she’ll starve to death. And I absolutely agree it would be more impactful if you lost the opening scene revealing it’s in the country. It’s more impactful us only finding this out at the very end. Well done.
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#14
i wasn't sure if i liked this script but on second reading i saw the how clever it is. now that i see other scripts that dont have an official "kiss" in them and have made it to this point i think you could lose the first actual kiss and have the ending with her hovering over him going to attempt the kiss of life because she has no other choice, i think that would make the audience cringe and maybe even shout "no"!
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#15
I see Helene agrees with me about the kisses (or not) but this one is fine. You have the SWALK. That has to be a kiss.
You don't need a second one. -
#16
I really like this script and have to agree with holding off the reveal of the isolation of the cottage at the end.
The breakfast making scene at the start is a great way to start but once Norman enters Elena's room you should start dropping the visual hints. Maybe Elena has been squirming into position and abruptly stops moving when the door is opened? A lot of the hints will come through the direction, acting and subtle audio cues.
I am not a fan of the kiss of life ending that Stare suggested, but it does seem to be popular with some of the other commenters so there may be something in it. -
#17
Thank you everyone for the feedback and development notes.
I think Mark's comment about changing the establishing shot at the beginning to a tighter close-up of the cottage - which lots of other readers have seconded - is a great suggestion and will make the final reveal more powerful.
I can also see the attraction of the "kiss of life" ending - I think the irony appeals to us writers and film-makers - but I don't feel it's truthful to Elena's character. The comment by Phil Charles on the nature (and length) of Norman and Elena's "relationship" is I think spot on.
I'll have another look at the distraction of the second kiss and Elena's body language and how she reacts to Norman arriving with breakfast.
Lastly, a note to the website administrators, the current tagline contains a huge spoiler, so please could it be changed to the following:
"A middle-aged man treats his trophy wife to breakfast in bed on Valentine's Day."
And everyone, please keep the feedback coming.
Cheers
Kulvinder -
#18
Good comments on an estimable script.
I'd add, do you really need three lines to point up difference between Norman and Elena? Doesn't the kissed envelope cover all the SWALK stuff? Cutting these would create more space for more action. In fact, wouldn't this be an even more powerful piece with no dialogue whatsoever?
Isn't there a way to 'show' that this has been going on a long time (last two years' cards? or the same card, with an added 'X', put in a new envelope? More than merely "ironic", wouldn't Elena's gut-wrenching KOL and thumping of Norman's dead heart intensify for audience the sense of a desperate situation, without need of her cries for help? -
#19
Ooh! Chilling. Great! Now...I read it once, then read it again, and all I kept thinking was that its impact might be further enhanced without dialogue.
When, for example, Norman says 'That's my girl', he could do this visually, by running his hand over her hair, then tweeking her cheek.
When, for example, Norman explains SWALK, which I don't think you need, he only needs to pucker up, tapping on his lips with his index finger. We could then see her distaste; then back to his puckered lips, before...
And I concur with #19. That would make for a heart skipping ending. We see her trying to revive him...he's obviously dead...she stops after some moments, looks heavenwards and screams...
No crying for help. She knows she's isolated.
Or slumps on the floor...shell-shocked.
So many options.
All I can say is that it's fantastic and good luck with this and all your writing projects.
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#20
Kulvinder - I had the same issue with the tagline for my script "Love" - I emailed the 50kisses gang and got it changed - not sure if they are moderating all the discussion on here.
Cheers and congrats on being part of the film,
Rob -
#21
Keys being too far away to reach by a chained woman scenes reminded me of The Disappearance of Alice Creed, but really enjoyed this dark piece. I think we're all on the look out for 'kisses' so the SWALK seemed extraneous to the kiss she has to give him, as does having her give her the 'kiss of life' - ironic yes, but to my mind, over-egging it. The final panning shot is a super reveal
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#22
Really liked it Kulvinder! I agree with all the above comments about concealing the long shot until the last moment. Nice ending. And yeah, he doesn't need to kiss her or explain the acronym. That's just a nice subtly.
I only have one question: Why would the chain be connected to the headboard if its for her ankle? Just seems a bit odd, that's all. I don't mean to be pedantic but wouldn't it be connected to the footboard? On a short leash so to speak. It's not a criticism I'm just wondering how you would shoot that. Like, if she's always been shackled like that, why wait for today to pounce?
I think you could use the valentine's day set-up a bit more wisely to show that she has been planning this. E.G. like in Misery when he asks her to have dinner with him so he can poison her. Maybe he has made her a 'special' one-off coffee she specifically asked for so she could throw it in his eyes/face or something to get leverage and then attack him.
Instead of the chain, could she have ripped the bedsheets to make one long rope? Maybe he notices a tear in the bed sheet and that's her cue to pounce? I really like that he gets his comeuppance and then the final twist it's just the chain that I think throws it.
Great effort though! Deliciously dark! -
#23
I agree with Bobby D about "waiting for today to pounce."
Since you allude to the idea she's been held captive for over a year, I think something has to happen to make this day her day to take action. I like Bobby's comment about the ripped bedsheets.
Also, about where the chain is secured, I think a lot of this will depend on the locations and sets the filmmakers use. I think the most important part is that the chain isn't long enough to reach the door. Other than that, I think things will change during blocking. -
#24
Love it - well done.
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#25
Just down my alley. I loved it. However, I find the ending to be too open - maybe have him blink, coming back to consciousness instead of being immediately dead?
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#26
Great script, especially well told in 2 minutes. I agree with the other comments, the less dialogue the better. The focus lies with the breakfast prep for the loved one, perhaps there can be props around the room to indicate this man is in a long term loving relationship, to increase the build up to the twist. I think the actors performances will be key to this piece. Good luck finding them!
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#27
great comments above on a really good script, just adding one thought:
what if, during his prep, we see a framed photograph that is obviously cut and pasted together? Like her photo from a mail-order-bride catalogue with a hand-cut head of Norman taped next to it... something to make us think something odd is going on?
Write a comment
Craig (Saturday, 18 August 2012 10:57)
I do like your script but I still have the same point as for your first draft.
Norman is distracted but the reader/viewer isn't when she drops the tay.
I'm so glad you didn't go with the kiss of life idea.
Kulvinder (Sunday, 02 September 2012 15:31)
Thanks again to everyone who read the script and gave feedback.
Also huge thanks to those filmmakers who have chosen to make Romantic Hideaway. I'm happy to be contacted directly if you have any questions.
Looking forward to the completed films.
Good Luck!
Kulvinder
Evan (Monday, 03 September 2012 03:23)
Nice script. We are planning to shoot it in the next few weeks, and I think you'll be surprised with our interpretation.
Kulvinder Gill (Saturday, 03 November 2012 17:05)
Director Evan Marlowe's film of Romantic Hideaway is now on Vimeo.
It stars Helen Soraya and Patrick Cavanaugh. Music is by Michael Daniel. Produced by Kerry Marlowe for Sweet Home Films LLC.
Shot in the same POV style as Channel 4's Peep Show, it's a great little film. Watch it here: http://vimeo.com/52624396
Kulvinder
Kulvinder (Sunday, 04 November 2012 00:24)
A second version of Romantic Hideaway is now up on Vimeo.
Director Violeta Barca-Fontana's version stars Belén Cascón and Fowler Rodney (sic). The director of photography was Andie Allen and the original music was by Enrique García Requena.
What I love about this is Violeta's bold counterintuitive decision to shoot the story out in the open, in the bright sunlight of Menorca - literally thinking outside the box! And for me, it works.
To watch - and apologies for the link not being clickable - copy the following URL into your browser: http://vimeo.com/52574810