RETITLED: Pissing 'n' Kissing by Honor Flaherty Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Sloppy Snogs by Honor Flaherty Draft 2
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. The only specific note had on your script was one for the filmmakers. It is very difficult to get good drunk acting and we suggest the actors watch Withnail and I!
Have your say, what do you think?
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#1
Very heavy story - unnecessary bad language perhaps. Missed the kiss.
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#2
Loved it! Really loved it!! Thought it was a very sweet, adorable tale and very funny too. Really loved the unexpected kiss at the end. Can't wait to see it on the big screen. Well done Honor! Really excellent!!!
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#3
Excellent work here. The comic timing is spot on, whilst also being "sloppy" and sentimental. One of my favourites.
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#4
I enjoyed this. Huge congrats on being a chosen one. A few thoughts. Could you perhaps tell this story through the homeless man’s eyes rather than just tacking him on at the end. If you introduced us to him first, hungry, begging for money not going well – slow night. Decides to bed down for the night. Then he’s disturbed by this loud pair. So the argument is as you have it but we’d we cutting to reaction shots of the homeless man reacting to what’s being said and done. For example, pulling a ‘yuck’ expression when Chantelle gets her bare feet pissed on. You could even have expressions from his dog for comedic value. Would make it more visual and you wouldn’t have to lose that much dialogue. And then when he ends up with the kebab at the end we’ll have invested in him more and it’ll be an even stronger pay off. Small point, but isn’t Gary too pissed to care/worry about cops catching him wee? I’d lose the ‘Look out for the cops’ line. Hope this helps.
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#5
I love the dialogue in this, it's just so... drunk.
The comedy is good but the ending does seem a bit tacked on. I concur with Phil's suggestion to establish the Homeless man at that start. -
#6
Agree with the comments about the homeless man at the start. Despite reading the logline first, I'd forgotten entirely that it was about a homeless man until the end.
Thought the dialogue was too OTT at times, trying too hard to make them sound 'chavvy' and it felt unnatural. Never heard anyone call someone a 'mare' and I think she should say 'don't you love me?' as opposed to 'us' to make it more personal.
Really liked it though. Especially the 'again' after he pisses on her. -
#7
Having read most of the other scripts, this was the only "Kiss" that made me laugh out loud (and nearly made me pee myself, ironically)! I love the fact that the drunken couple are a little OTT. They feel like characters hot off the "Jeremy Kyle Show", especially Chantelle's extreme ranges of behaviour.
I actually didn't mind finding out about the homeless 'til the end, as I assumed he was always in the "doorway" all along, so it was a nice little twist in the end. Also liked the jeopardy of him nearly being pissed on by Gary.
And I thought it had a subtle moral tale about how some people have each other/family and material things in their lives and don't appreciate it. Yet others, like the homeless man just has his dog and is blessed to be loved by his furry best friend and appreciates others casts off. Or am i being too deep here? As an actor I would relish playing any of these roles ( - except Chantelle of course, I'm not that versatile!)
With a little finesse to the dialogue this could be a great story. Anyway, well done to the writer for portraying a tale that not only made me laugh, but also made me tear up too.
Gavin R. -
#8
Hilarious! Lovely script. Well done.
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#9
I love this! But then I am completely biased as I know and love the writer, Honor. But objectively, I did think the tone of this story was outrageous yet touching. Barmy, yet warm. And silly, yet sweet. Sure it could do with some more improvements here and there, but I thought as a whole, it was original and entertaining. And you can't ask for more than that.
Plus, I swear she's going to be the next Victoria Wood/Caroline Aherne, you mark my words!
Well done Hons!
Hels xOx -
#10
A cracking script! Well done.
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#11
Nice one Hons!
So when is Spielberg gonna film it? ;)
But really, huge and well deserved congratulations. Love your work.
Love from a shaky LA
Harry x -
#12
Has someone been watching Geordie Shore..?
Either way, I like it. It's current, funny, (unfortunately) relatable to the masses and I think it'll go down a treat pet!
Homeless man watching the show in the alleyway from the start would be a good addition - Judging their awful behaviour and profiting from it in the end. -
#13
very good stuff!
some thoughts:
agree that they need to walk by/awaken the Homeless man
make it clear the dog and the Homeless Man practically share a kiss, in the way that some people let their dogs lick their mouths
People don't say "the blonde girl in the bar" as much as they say a person's name/place they know her from. So maybe Chantelle says "Amber" , or "that piece of trash from the dogtrack".
Maybe, Gary wants privacy as "you know I can't do this in front of people", or "you know you scare my ______"
Best of luck!
Write a comment
Craig (Sunday, 26 August 2012 18:38)
I LOVE this script and with the subtle changes in draft 2 the comic timing is even more spot on. Love the wilting rose trapped between her girls heaving bosoms and the umbrella gag works a treat too. Great character descriptions too - "makeup - more colours than a Dulux paint chart" is hysterical! It's still one of my favourite scripts and brings much needed light relief compared to some of the more heavy/emotional stories in the competition. The characters and dialogue have so much colour, vibrancy and energy. It's a fabulous read. Really well done!
Craig (Sunday, 26 August 2012 18:39)
ps. Really love the new title "Pissing 'n' Kissing - very funny!
Gavin R (Thursday, 30 August 2012 19:01)
Just read your second draft - and it's great. Even more "drunk" if that is possible. The dialogue sparkles and the characters jump off the page. I like how you've subtly brought in the "Homeless Man and his dog" at the beginning. It's a well crafted comedy in such a short film. It still makes me laugh A LOT!
Harry Belstaff (Friday, 31 August 2012 03:52)
Hi Hons, am really loving the pace and comedy in this script. Even reading it again I couldn't wait for the pee'ing part to happen again. So gross and so drop dead funny. And loving your character descriptions, like you they're very vivacious and hilarious. It's a fabulous read and would imagine a blast to make. Hope you do well in the competition. You deserve to.
good luck kid!
Harry x
Woody Bavota (Saturday, 01 September 2012 06:52)
Great screenplay and I'm thrilled to say that I am the director...Here's to a great film Honor.