The Cyclist by David Griffith Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
The Cyclist by David Griffith Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. We felt this was a strong script, with a strong set up. However, please change the location from South Bank to somewhere more generic. We don’t want filmmakers outside of London thinking they
cannot make the script.
Have your say, what do you think?
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#1
Well written and constructed - I wonder if this could be done in 2 minutes as there's a lot going on.
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#2
Like this one a lot, but think I'll leave it to the Brits. I don't think I could do it justice where I'm from.
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#3
Nice surprise ending- didn't see it coming. Could play out nicely on screen.
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#4
Was a little unsure about it at first but then came the ending.
Great twist. Really works well. -
#5
Nice. One slight change, I think a confused pat down from the cyclist would suffice, don't need to say his stuff has gone. Just makes the reveal in the last scene that little bit bigger.
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#6
Well done, nice twist.
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#7
A great idea and an unexpected twist at the end, but I fail to see what this has to do with Valentines Day. Two con artists ripping of a good Samaritan could happen any day of the week. This is a bit of a stretch to fall into a Valentines Day theme.
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#8
Hi David,
Didn't see the twist coming! Enjoyable.
I wonder whether you could trim some stuff from the front, in order to make a bit more space for those key beats in the last quarter. I worry that it's a lot to get into two mins at the moment.
Maybe one doesn't need to have the argument from the guy and the 'I need a piss' line: The cyclist just sees someone that is upset as a result of some kind of conflict with a guy that's walked off. Then you can get in there with the support and then confrontation.
Maybe there's scope to do a bit of humour too - the guy is italian but he's nicked the tracker bar or whatever it is, tries some and then spits it out - "pah, bird food!"
A further thought would be on the character of the cyclist. At the moment, I don't really like him all that much, perving at the women from behind his shades. Could there be scope to either make him just a regular guy? Or maybe, this is one where if the genders were flipped, it could really be exciting. The guy is dumped by a nasty girl, the girl cyclist steps in, then the nasty girl comes back?
Anyway, well done, and I'd be delighted to hear any thoughts you have on mine: Practice makes Perfect.
Cheers.
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#9
A good twist apart from in the wrong place.
When the unshaven man steps out we already know they're both in on it.
Drop where the cyclist finds his stuff missing. She blows a kiss and runs off, cyclist rides off, man and girl meet up in lane (there's your reveal) cyclist rides along happy with his good deed, pouch open. -
#10
Agree this was a great twist - made me feel very bad for the cyclist!!
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#11
nice story, but lots and lots of action/direction in here. this really needs slimming to the key points otherwise we miss the important points in all the noise. it had quite a cool olympic feel to it with all that lycra, or maybe that is just me overdosing at the velodrome!
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#12
Well done. I had some trouble cutting through what felt like (stylistically) some over-writing on in the action description, but the twist at the end was a great pay-off for me. In way of notes, I'm wondering if the cyclist might do something more interesting/heroic before he his duped. I want to really feel bad for him in the end, but as it is, I just don't care about him enough. How can we make this guy a real winner before the twist?
Again, really solid work. -
#13
I agree with Craig in that there's a bit of 'overtelling' in this for me. It's such a nice twist that I wanted it to end right on it and, from my perspective, you actually didn't need to have the two meeting up afterwards. The way that the girl blows the kiss and skips off could be cheeky enough that we wonder why she's so upbeat. Until we see the cyclist look to his empty pouch and realise he's been done. Ending there would have been very satisfying for me.
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#14
Well written, enjoyable short. Not much to say, other than I think you should end it when the cyclist realises he's been swindled. And just the valentine theme...this is lacking; perhaps cover this by having the coffee place have a 'valentine's mocha' special or something.
Best wishes with this. -
#15
Feel this is another strong contender for the filmmakers out there, with lots of scope for interpretation on the steal/reveal. It does need a solid Valentine's Day setting though. Maybe the soundtrack to the bike ride can help with this? Or coffee shop sandwich board with Valentine specials or a heart shape in the Cyclist's coffee at the end? Look forward to the second draft
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