The Last Supper by Richard Green Darft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
The Last Supper by Richard Green Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. We really liked this script and felt it would suit a visual filmmaker. There is about ½ a page spare on this two minute script that some of the other writers would die for!
2. You could use this space to further set up the tender relationship between the two tramps and also spend more time on the dying woman. Show her condition. Show his concern. Show how close they
are. Show the world walking by and not caring.
3. Consider how much time you spend on the page with the Kitchen Hand preparing the meal – at the moment it is quite a sizable chunk of scene description, and the Kitchen Hand and his role is
almost equal in weight to that of the dying woman on the page. By using the extra space to further establish the relationship between the two tramps, this will put back the balance in favour of
the couple.
4. Just a thought on the end. Would he pour two glasses of wine and keep on with the Last Supper he is intent on serving her, or having just lost the love of his life, does the dinner that he
cared so much about setting up suddenly become superfluous? It’s the emotional high point. What does dinner matter anymore? His wife is dead, the well made meal could slip off his
lap, the wine could spill – again, a visual device could be used to show emotion.
Have your say, what do you think?
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#1
I really enjoyed reading this and love how the title ties in with the story line. It just gives you that reminder that not everyone gets their happy endings. Can't wait to see it in the film!
Good luck with your writing! -
#2
Beautifully written
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#3
Wow, this is strong stuff. A wide spectrum of emotion and very little dialogue. Powerful. Fantastic.
Great to see a Kiwi entry make the top 50. -
#4
Mawkish tosh . Will do well as an east Enders storyline
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#5
Thanks for the comments - even you Tom. The Mawkish Tosh (a term I have only just learned) factor really will come down to how it is handled by the director in the filming. Any script can be over done on any emotion.
Only four comments... that's a worry.
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#6
Please name your characters. Even though we don't hear spoken their names, I feel like they should be named.
This is a heartbreaking, beautiful piece; two people in a difficult situation, yet trying to make things positive despite circumstance.
I would just say that you do have blocks of paragraphs which should be broken up more, so that it's easier to read. At the moment, I can't think of anything else structurally to say. It is a poignant piece and will definitely bring a tear to my eye when filmed. I hope someone does this justice.
Actually...you don't need ANY dialogue. Everything will be said through expressions and action.
All the best. -
#7
A nice emotional ending but so long winded to get there.
When I was reading the scene of the kitchen hand making up the meals I was thinking why are we seeing this, it's not important. And then he heats it up in the microwave!!! About 2 minutes to heat up two plates of food, that's your whole time.
Big blocks of text looks bad and the amont of words you have them is to many. When the man is outside the kitchen door you use 13 lines you could say the same like this:
Man stand by a door playing uneasily with a ring on his finger. He looks back down the alley to his wife trying to keep warm. A kitchen hand opens the door carrying a rubbish bag. The man pulls off his ring and holds it up.
I would cut out here to where the man carries the food to his wife. None of the rest is needed. I know you are trying to pass time so his wife passes away but I don't think you use it well.
It would be better if the man finds his ring at the end.
Like I said, I like the end but you have to think how you get there. -
#8
Craig - thanks for those comments. The plating of the meals is in montage in my head and also a subplot - the kitchen hand dreams of being a chef so takes the care to do the meal justice. I am not trying to take time for her to die. I think also it is important to describe in a script the emotion so another film maker can pick it up and get it. Sure, I could write it a lot more simply - but the lack of dialogue means the action is the emotion, and as a writer I like to give as much info to my actors / director as possible. Two pages is hard to do that - but it is not a numbers game measured by the number of lines - it is essential that the heart of the piece is not lost in pragmatism.
Milethia - I didn't name them because they represent more than one person. Personal choice - they are everyman/woman.
Take on board about blocks of action but also need to contain it within two pages :)
Interested in your responses. -
#9
Sheesh. Some people. ;-)
Recently watched the winning film from a similar promotion. Brilliant, hilarious... and yet it was vastly different from what the writer originally conceived and submitted to the competition. I would expect the same to be true of all these proposals.
Keep the creative juices flowing - it looks like a great starting point :-) -
#10
I love this script, and I can feel the journey, - it will be a heart wrenching one to watch, I love the limited dialogue, - the passion and emotion will be evoked in the heart and eye of the viewer
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#11
Hi Richard.
If the scene is a montage then you should put montage, or how do we know?
But what is this story about? A kitchen hand dreaming of being a chef or the plight of homeless people?
The rules did say that you had to use standard layout and not change it so your script fits 2 pages. You had loads of space left so are fine but if you had gone to the bottom of page 2 would they have to had trown it out? Is blocks of text just a no no or a standsrd layout rule?
I hope you get what I'm saying. -
#12
Craig,
This is written using Final Draft. I have written several produced scripts over the years so feel I have a grasp on layout. I also said I see it as a montage. Another director might see it differently. Once again that is focusing on the technical aspects - I am writing to the performance / emotion. What's the story about for you? I know what it is about for me. I am not sure what your issue is with having a subplot in a short. There are no rules about that in any place I know of. I saw an opportunity to create another thread that would add depth to the piece. A director who picks this up might see it differently and film it so it is not so important. This is a subjective process and as such I get what you are saying but don't stand in the same place.
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#13
@ Paul - I agree, see above...
A Sharon - thanks, glad you enjoyed it. A lot will depend on the direction/performances to extract that from the written word. I am looking forward to seeing the outcome of the crews that take it on. -
#14
I am sitting here at my desk with tears streaming down my face. This is beautiful and poignant. I think film much like visual art is subjective and allows the viewer a journey of their own and an end result of their own. If we get to bogged down in technical skill then we loose the magic of basic human emotion that this script begs us to feel. Emotion that can possibly lead to action. If I saw this film, I would be moved so much that I could never look at an elderly person the same way and I may go as far as to volunteer in a shelter or the like. There are most likely 50 different ways to wash dishes not just one; much like script writing. @ Craig...don't box it up, allow us too feel what we need to feel. Well done Richard...I cant wait to see this on the big screen.
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#15
kia ora Richard, BEAUTIFUL
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#16
Great script, Richard! Conratulations!
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#17
Great stuff Mr Green. Sincerely hope to see this transition from paper to screen!
Kia kaha! -
#18
Hi Richard - although not a film officianado like some of your friends above I was moved by your piece. It felt a little unrealistic to have the woman stare lovingly into the man's eyes given their situation (worn resignation would be more apt) but the tenderness between them is apparent. I liked the vision of the kitchen hand plating the food but agree that the microwave was a bit unnecessary. Other than that I liked the rhythm of the piece. It evoked a rush of sadness at the vulnerability of the elderly folk.
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#19
Awesome mate - I imagine it without spoken words and in B/W ... classic if you find a good composer! I'm sure this will become a great success! All the best, my friend!
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#20
Nice one Richard, I can see all that so clearly, love the concept, good luck.
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#21
Awesome to see a fellow kiwi make the cut......well deserved too!
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#22
lovely piece, absolutely did not see that ending coming, i agree with a couple of points made above. i think the introduction of the the kitchen hands aspirations to be a chef are not needed, that is just extra to the story. i do understand why points have been made about layout, it was clear in the rules not to squeeze too much in to make it fit the 2 pages and we brits love our rules!
i note many winning entries have dispensed with fade in and fade out in order to get some extra space. but great chunks of action do not look great either. anyway this is a beautiful script even if a rule was bent here and there! congratulations. -
#23
Hi Helene, thanks for your feedback. I am glad you enjoyed it and the end was a surprise.
I just want to clarify that I didn't just do it to squeeze it in - it would fit anyway. I used my version of Final Draft 8.0 and just didn't break up the action... and in my mind there is no fade in/out. :)
I suppose I was not concerned about the look of my script which is secondary to the feel of the script and the content. That was my priority.
Appreciate your thoughts on kitchen hand - I think it is part of the story. I also think that there needs to be some hope in a story, something to leave us feeling that not everything is lost. The kitchen hand's care over preparing the meal and then returning the ring shows not everyone is ignoring the plight of the homeless and people do care, contrary to the visual of the people walking past at the end unaware of what has gone on... make sense?
Keep the comments coming - it is helping very much with the visualisation process. -
#24
Richard, I don't think and others have looked at my other comment, #11, properly so her it is again.
The rules did say that you had to use standard layout and not change it so your script fits 2 pages. You had loads of space left so are fine but if you had gone to the bottom of page 2 would they have to had trown it out? Is blocks of text just a no no or a standsrd layout rule?
As I said You had loads of space left so are fine.
As for FADE IN/FADE OUT I beleave this is the way of showing the start and end.
You say you weren't concerned about the look of yor script and it's secondary to the feel of the script and the content. This is a writing competition so all areas should be looked at and is fair to comment on. -
#25
This is a poignantly tragic piece and yet it reveals the capacity of the human spirit to demonstrate the power of love even in great adversity. The man's determination to procure a meal to share with the woman is symbolic of a loving commitment. In his careful presentation of the meals for the homeless couple the kitchen-hand demonstrates respect for human dignity and offers hope in the midst of despair. Best wishes, Richard, and I hope this work receives the recognition it deserves.
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#26
this is such a beautifull story....i cant wait to see this on film!!
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#27
@richard green
Im interested in shooting your film, do u have a mail i can contact you
thanks and good work -
#28
Richard- thanks for sharing this script. It's a great story and I know it will film beautifully. AT first I thought it was going to be a "Gift of the Magi" story, but the ending really surprised me. Right or wrong, I kept thinking about the hobo stories by Charlie Chaplin and Carol Burnett. Your descriptions are spot on and I can picture the entire thing. I think the visual of so many folks just passing them by is a (maybe unintended) social commentary that gives the story an extra depth. Great job. I see you've already got folks interested in filming. Congratulations. Thanks for your kind words about my script "That Good Night." Ken
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#29
Thanks Ken, the people passing them by is very much a deliberate ending with the point being we ignore people in the world like this often... glad you picked it up.
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#30
Nicely done. I have no problem with the two wine glasses--she has just passed, and this is his shared meal with her. I would break up the action blocks into four lines max per shot, and make them more readable. Enjoyable.
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#31
Of course I am seeing this from
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#32
Seeing this from a directors standpoint, behind every emotion there is intent, and showing the intent of the cook in the restaurant is important to the story...we come to realize his intent is to make the best possible meal with what he has on hand not only for the homeless couple but for the pride he takes in his own abilities...and the pouring of the wine at the end is an honest reaction to the death of his wife, something that he feels a need to complete...The only suggestion I would have is to allow your actors to tell your story, there are times that the emotions of the actors can tell the story with less dialogue...It is a beautiful, truthful story Richard, one that needs telling, to some the homeless have become invisable.
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#33
Hey Richard. I am a current student at South Seas and really enjoyed your script. Well done, hope it does well.
Noelene Douglas (Friday, 05 October 2012 00:31)
Great work Richard. Maybe add a scene where the kitchen hand goes back inside and starts working and see's plates of food that still have expensive meals half eaten being chucked out. He stare's at the food being thrown into a bin and glances back at the door. He looks out at the diners. Rich people, ensconced in their own little bubble. He makes up his mind then and prepares two meals. I think it shows his motivation to help the man outside. Overall though, very emotive and that's what I think story telling should be. Well done. PS... I understand constructive criticism, as writers we all need it to refine our art but hostile negativity - I don't get it. Then again, an Eastenders viewer??? need I say more???
Elly Richards (Wednesday, 12 September 2012 23:06)
Absolutely beautiful, I played the movie in my head and cryed at the end!