Tied Up by Christopher D Bacon Draft 1
No Second draft - see writers comments below
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. We liked this script but felt that the title didn’t quite match the story. Consider changing it – we get the play on the man being tied up and the flowers being tied up but sounds like the
script should be about bondage!
2. You could tighten your scene direction and take out some of the lines that are not moving the story forward - for example – “at a table you have to book months in advance when you’re not a
somebody”.
3. Note to filmmaker – this story is strong enough to take place in a café, or else elegant surroundings if you cannot get a swanky restaurant. If you like the essence of the story speak to the
screenwriter about how it can play out in a setting you can get access to.
Have your say, what do you think?
Write a comment
Louise McCooey (Friday, 03 August 2012 14:42)
awww that was so sweet!
staré (Friday, 03 August 2012 18:53)
I really liked it except the ending. I'm not so sure of the dialogue at the end. The dialogue must be either very strong or it shouldn't be there at all. Right now the dialogue kills the strength of the ending with (excuse me, don't want to offense any writer) "cheesy" dialogue. It's a great little story, so i would work on the ending.
Stephen Cooper (Friday, 03 August 2012 19:55)
Very nice script. Beautiful even.
Really enjoyed it
Ken Lemm (Friday, 03 August 2012 20:27)
A great story. Congratulations.
Roger B Stillz (Friday, 03 August 2012 21:40)
Beautiful script.
Colleen (Saturday, 04 August 2012 01:55)
I do like it a lot, but agree with stare's comment about the dialogue...and is it just me or does anyone else feel like all the women that are written in these scripts are so easy to forgive? They all 'rush over and kiss him' or 'smother him in kisses', what? I think it works for this script but man, it's a common theme that needs to be reconsidered.
Libby Gold (Saturday, 04 August 2012 05:18)
Lovely story.....very touching indeed and beautifully written.
Congratulations.
Andy Robinson (Saturday, 04 August 2012 19:03)
Got the potential to be a really nice little film.
Staré (Saturday, 04 August 2012 19:24)
It's a man's world everywhere Colleen,unfortunately... :) when it comes to this one, i think to see a man act like this, at least is a good reason for a woman to forgive. but overall, i hear what you are saying.
helene jackson (Saturday, 04 August 2012 20:52)
beautiful story, well handled and well written. just the right amount of pathos. congratulations!
couple of little queries, would the Downs couple have chosen the coolest restaurant in town to go to? also i loose a bit of empathy with the girl when she grabs her bag to leave, after all he just text her to hang on 5 minutes? it kind of makes me feel she doesn't deserve him!!!!
Mitchell Black (Sunday, 05 August 2012 03:28)
Nice, feel good story. Congratulations. Has it occurred to anyone else that the girl might be going to assist the young fellow outside?
Alex (Sunday, 05 August 2012 12:23)
I really liked it - so so sweet!!!!!!!
Damian Mallon (Sunday, 05 August 2012 14:07)
Beautiful. Congratulations on an amazing script.
Craig (Sunday, 05 August 2012 16:11)
Not my sort of story but liked it.
You did something different from the norm, using Down's Syndrome.
Isn't the way Sarah reacts the way these sopy love story meant to go.
Like I said not my cup of tea. But it is good at what it is.
James Tobbs (Sunday, 05 August 2012 20:43)
I think perhaps this is a bit too fantastical, something about the set up is too sugar coated. That may be a personal feeling but it doesn't work for me.
Stuart (Tuesday, 07 August 2012 10:06)
Great job Bro! Congratulations. Can't wait to see it made.
kent and Vivien Bacon (Wednesday, 08 August 2012 08:32)
Congratulations and well done, very proud of you.
We are looking forward to see it on the screen.
Mark (Thursday, 09 August 2012 10:28)
Hi Christopher,
I liked this piece, especially the fact that it's got four characters - lots of the ones I've read so far have only got two.
From a development point of view, I found myself being more interested in the young couple's story than the older couple, and at the end, I was a bit disappointed that it came back to being about the older couple.
So one thing to consider - a bit of a big note I admit - would be to imagine what the story would be like if you flipped it: The young guy gives away his flowers and helps someone else - he comes in empty handed, or almost empty handed, but his girlfriend loves him all the more for it.
For me, doing it this way round would make it a bit more compelling - at the moment, I'm not sure that people would really walk by the guy and tread on his flowers, but maybe that's me not really appreciating the true disabled-person's experience. What I'm saying is that at the moment, it doesn't seem to ring true to me, or at least, it rings true but in a way that makes me feel like the young guy can't do it himself and must rely on others to get him out of his predicament.
I would agree with some of the comments earlier about finding the ending a bit too on the nose. It's not that I don't like cheese (see my entry Practice Makes Perfect!!) but I think the issue is that she's stating the very obvious. A rich dude has just helped a disabled guy on valentines day. It's a nice thing to do, but it doesn't exactly make him a saint. It feels a bit paternalistic.
Maybe I'm just really wedded to the idea of the disabled guy giving charity to someone rather than getting it.
If you want to keep it how it is, then I think the main thing to think about is the logistics: the texts. Do we need to see them? I think from the way the woman is acting, we can see that the guy is late - she's on her second cocktail, she's looking at her watch, the waiter tells her he needs the table back in an hour - whatever. Then I'm not sure that we need the second text either. From a practical point of view, I can't see how or why he'd type it when he's right outside the restaurant, but more than that, I think it doesn't add anything - he's right there. She can see him.
So the next thing is the girl's attitude. I get that she is stiff, and only smiles politely at the young girl - which I like - but I wonder whether having seen the commotion outside, would she not do anything about it? She doesn't need to actually go out and help the guy - but she might think about telling the waiter perhaps? What I mean is, she needs to show some spark of an idea that helping the young guy is a good idea, or why would she value that quality in her man when he comes over?
This has got a bit long, so I'll stop here!
Basically, I really like the idea of doing something for others on valentines day but I think that at the moment, we've got a soft target, and it could be really really exciting if we make the down's couple the star and had them helping a plush london couple... maybe, you know, the plush london couple have lost the spark and for them it's just another valentines day in a posh restaurant, but as a result of getting helped out, they end up reconnecting with the true spirit of valentines day?
Anyway, do feel free to check out my script. I welcome any comments.
Cheers
Mark
Laura Koons (Thursday, 09 August 2012 17:15)
Now this is my cup of tea. I really enjoyed this beautiful story.
Staré (Saturday, 11 August 2012 00:11)
I was thinking, is it possible to use an elderly couple (really old) instead of Down's S?
Ivy (Sunday, 12 August 2012 15:20)
OH MY GOD SO CUTE I NEARLY EXPLODED. What a wonderful, wonderful story!
Andre Lang (Monday, 13 August 2012 15:23)
...................................I'm sorry for my bad English.
Very nice story! Thanks for read. I would like to seen the film and I will recommended it all my friends!
Layla (Friday, 17 August 2012 01:43)
A very sweet story and didn't immediately know where it was heading. If it is to maintain that tone, think the lady needs to be a little warmer and the restaurant not quite as posh. Or if you're not willing to change her attitude, have the men's meeting outside be hidden from the lady. She notices the boy struggling outside, but as she coolly passed off the girl, she quickly gets back to her phone and ignores the boy. Also, as Mark mentioned it may be an idea to have the gents both help each other out; As the man helps the boy with his tie, he drops his roses and to repay the favour the boy takes a single flower for himself and hands the bunch to the man?
Chris Bacon (Tuesday, 21 August 2012 21:52)
Many thanks to those of you who have taken the time to read my script, vote, provide feedback, and/or leave kind words – it is all very much appreciated, and it’s so exciting to be a part of this fantastic project.
I’ve decided not to do a further draft of the script at this time, but I am certainly happy to write further drafts / versions in discussion with film-makers interested in making the film. I view quite a few of the issues which have been raised as not just questions for me, but questions for any film-makers and actors looking to make the film, and am certainly happy to rework/rewrite the script to achieve a result we’re all happy with.
I’m more than happy to work with film-makers on the board here, or feel free to email me (chrisbacon.email@gmail.com) - to the extent any changes are agreed ‘offline’, I’ll either report them back here on the script’s board if they’re a simple change that doesn’t require a redraft of the script, or if there’s a redraft, I’ll send through the further draft of the script for posting so that any interested film-maker has the ability to access whatever variant of the script takes their fancy.
<CONT>
Chris Bacon (Tuesday, 21 August 2012 21:52)
<CONT>
In terms of some of the issues which have been raised, my thinking at this stage is as follows:
* Proposed title change? – I’m leaving the title ‘as is’ at this stage, as I like the many different meanings it has in relation to what’s going on in the story. I also quite like that people might think it’s about bondage when it isn’t, but perhaps that’s just me ;-).
* Tightening of scene direction – happy to do this if a filmmaker needs me to create some space to fit something else in. Also, hope it goes without saying that reference to, for example, Alessi heart-shaped spoons, doesn’t mean there actually has to be Alessi heart-shaped spoons in any film – references like these are just there to try to create a feel :-).
* Potential venue change – happy to discuss if this is an issue.
* ‘Cheesy’ dialogue – I’m fairly flexible on whether the dialogue is included or not – I see that really as a film-maker’s choice. If the film-maker thinks she/he can get what she/he wants/needs without it, by all means feel free to ditch it. I think it might also turn on your personal ‘cheese’ threshold, and whether you think the piece/film has earned it’s level of cheesiness. Me, I’m a big fan of the cheese. But other opinions are very much available.
* “Would a Down’s couple go to the coolest restaurant in town?” Maybe, maybe not – I imagine it would depend on the Down’s couple. Maybe they’re just a couple of really sweet kids who want to do something really special for V-day who it wouldn’t even occur to that they might not be entirely welcome or cool enough. Or maybe they didn’t quite realise what they were getting themselves into. I’ve got my own view, but obviously something for film-makers/actors as well.
* “Does Sarah get up to leave, or is she getting up to help the Young Man? “ A good question. It’s deliberately ambiguous. I have my view on what she’s doing when she goes to move, but again, other opinions are available. Film-makers / actors will hopefully bring their own interpretation.
* Role of the Young Man in the script - I appreciate there’s some potentially difficult politics in this script depending on how you read it, and some people might view it as patronising – but the story is only meant to be about one particular person (who perhaps has a tougher life than some of us because of his Down’s) who isn’t able to do a particular thing at a particular time when he needs to. And how a small act of kindness can have ripple effects for everybody involved because we’re all ‘tied up’ together. Not a revolutionary or novel idea, and perhaps fantastical/aspirational, but there we go. If it’s a major issue for film-makers / actors, we could look to work on some way in which the Young Man also helps the older man, but my instinct for this particular story is that should be something quite small, such as perhaps the older man’s own tie is moved out of place when the Young Man hugs him, and just before he walks off, the Young Man adjusts it for him. But I appreciate as it is, it won’t be everybody’s cup of tea.
* “I see texts” - If filmmakers want to discuss alternatives to the text messages or seeing text messages on screen, happy to discuss. The reason he sends the second text is the older man isn’t at the restaurant yet – he’s a few shops down the road and doesn’t know he can be seen by his fiancé – she’s looking diagonally a few shops down and across the street (apologies if that’s not clear from the script).
* “An old couple instead of a Down’s couple?” No, I’d prefer it be kept a young Down’s couple for this film.
Again, thanks to you all for helping with the script, and I hope to work with some of you super-talented film-makers in getting it made into a hopefully great little film.
Very best,
Chris
S. Long (Sunday, 21 July 2013 23:04)
beautifully done (wish my son had played the part of the young man!) - had read the script awhile back, but didn't audition because we live in Colorado. Applaud you for the choice in using a couple with Down Syndrome. (just one request of you & others... please use "people first language" i.e. "couple with DS".. not Down's couple) Kudos for a lovely short.
Samuel (Thursday, 07 November 2013 20:42)
Beautiful.