Write a comment

• #1

  Vandana (Friday, 27 July 2012 16:40)

  Read it twice. It captures the break up phase sensitively. But couldn't see the mandatory 'kiss' and felt it depended too much on the viewer to be able to read stuff. Otherwise a simple, fairly emotional script.

• #2

  Milethia (Friday, 27 July 2012 21:57)

  'It’s the photo she usually has in her purse...'
  
  Lines like this are redundant, since the viewer won't see this.
  
  "I feel like part of us has gone, what we had..."
  
  Remember that you only need to capitalise character names the first time you write them.
  
  
  The kiss is definitely there: she kisses the photograph and Dan sends a x, which honours the criteria for the competition.

• #3

  Milethia (Friday, 27 July 2012 22:08)

  Hi. Sorry. Accidentally clicked on send while I was composing. Your script has potential for development.
  
  'It’s the photo she usually has in her purse...'
  
  Lines like this are redundant in a screenplay, since the viewers won't see this.
  
  "I feel like part of us has gone, what we had..."
  
  This line didn't seem to fit in with the 'I miss you'; felt more like she would say, 'I feel like part of me has gone, now you're not here...' or something.
  
  Remember that you only need to capitalise character names the first time you write them.
  
  The section in which she stares into space didn't seem to add to the script, I felt. The characters she observes aren't really moving the story on. If she were seeing, perhaps, and it's only a suggestion, people looking happy/in love, etc., I think it would further add to her unhappiness.
  
  The kiss is definitely there: she kisses the photograph and Dan sends a x, which honours the criteria for the competition.
  
  Best wishes.

• #4

  Peter Devonald (Monday, 30 July 2012 12:46)

  Hi there. Milethia's review is very good and I wholeheartedly agree with it. As a summary I'd say only put in what's going to be on screen - so avoid things which can't be seen.
  
  On a more general point I would say - make sure every second counts and move the narrative along as quickly as is possible. For instance - does the Waiter dialogue at the start actually help us? Ideally they'll be a stronger first image to instantly captivate us, but in this instance I would go directly into a V.O (Voice over) with "To Dan. This isn’t an easy letter to write...". I would turn it into a V.O for several reasons, not least we actually hear her feeling in the words but also because reading a letter can be fiddly, especially visually and as an opening shot.
  
  (Just as question would Katie write "To" - not "Dear" or something showing more affection, albeit past tense?)
  
  By going straight into her V.O it gets us straight into the action and emotion. She can already be sitting there and have ordered before the start of the film - the visual is strongish though anything you can add visually will help add colour to the picture.
  
  After she looks at the couple I'd add the V.O there "The thing is I miss you..." And have another moment with her watching the couple - can they be doing something more?
  
  The heart in the drink works well - though I'd argue seeing her order wastes time. Touching the heart is great.
  
  I think the letter can go on further with perhaps a twist at the end --- so the story has a full beginning, middle and end. I feel at the moment you have a very good beginning but it doesn't develop enough. You set up three interesting visuals with the Couple, Taxi Driver and Dan --- maybe you need to work with them more. The Couple and Taxi Driver can cover some of the letter V.O; perhaps Dan turns up at the end, sits opposite, everything is fine for him --- but we've heard her letter/ V.O so we know the truth about them? I.e we know more than the character on screen.
  
  Just a thought. You've written an interesting piece - just needs a bit more development and perhaps a twist. Happy writing.