My First Effing Valentines Day Kiss by Ian Topple

Jill's hoping for her first kiss on Valentines Day, but when her boyfriend tells her some unfortunate news about their relationship, she will do whatever it takes to get her first effing valentines da
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Comments: 2
  • #1

    Rhys Howell (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 14:58)

    I liked this and could see the final tussle very humourously executed. Just a couple of issues.

    1)Misunderstanding of the meaning of gay seemed very forced. I f you wanted to keep the penises comment in (as again potential humour) then make it a reaction to her disbelief on her face rather than the words she says.

    2)Cut the whole initial scene-I see why its there to bring up the idea of 1st Valentine Kiss but the space could be better used to expand Jill and Darren's Characters. Not sure how you reintroduce the idea of 1st kiss, maybe have them both having something special to say and she goes first then Darren reveals he's gay and on from there.

    Just my tuppence worth

  • #2

    Ian (Thursday, 26 July 2012 19:58)

    Thanks Rhys. The misunderstanding of the meaning gay was kind of forced. I took out and brought it back in a few times. I guess I should have left it out.

    Something to think about when cutting the first scene.