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• #1

  John (Monday, 23 July 2012 11:45)

  The formatting let this down. It's not in industry standard format so it wouldnt have got past the read, I'm afraid. Which is a shame because the story itself is very promising, if a little to much expository dialogue. With work this could be good. Hope you find someone to develop it with and film

• #2

  Mike Fraser (Monday, 23 July 2012 20:24)

  A little hard to read due to the formatting, but aside from that there is a decent story in there. I really felt the sadness surrounding Albert. With some work on formatting I think you could make something of this.

• #3

  Thom Vanstone (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 00:08)

  hi thanks for reading. i'm not in the business so don't really know the rules surrounding formatting. any tips would be happily received.

• #4

  Thom Vanstone (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 00:14)

  oh and it being my first attempt i didn't know how else to get albert's romantic history in two pages..... it's all very new

• #5

  Nigel Sheppard (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 18:03)

  Well keep going Thom, for a first ever attempt at a script it's not bad.
  
  Now regarding formatting:
  There are no scene headings, which you should have at the beginning of every scene or change in location. Such as EXT/INT (outside or inside). LOCATION (i.e. living room, warehouse, church, street, pub, and so on) - DAY/NIGHT (self explanatory). Read other scripts on here and you'll see.
  
  Also don't centre dialogue. Don't centre anything, just leave it all aligned to the left.
  
  Don't leave an empty space between CHARACTER and dialogue.

• #6

  Craig (Thursday, 26 July 2012 13:02)

  Go on the BBC writer's room website, they have a sampel screenplay that shows what you need to do. If your using micrsoft word to right it's hard to set up right. You can download Adoce Story for free.
  
  As for you script it's not orginal for this competition, Nothing new. I've read a few with dead people at the end. Didn't get the point of the start in the toilet? why does it matter that it's fifty years they've been together?
  
  Don't take anythink to heart with any feedback, If it's your first go. Look at all the feedback and rewrite it just for yourself. You'll see it getting better and you can use you new knowledge on new work if you get hooked.
  
  On a lighter note, if I was going to kill myself I don't thinks I could be assed to go to work that day!

• #7

  Thom Vanstone (Thursday, 26 July 2012 15:49)

  Hi Craig. thanks for the tips. the toilet was just somewhere albert could be on his own, his first chance to reflect on what had happened. the idea of him going to work was him being in a state of shock with routine taking over from rational thought.
  taking the ticket from his wallet in the toilet was him finally realising the weight of what had happened that morning. it is there that he decides he can't go on.
  50 years together is a big milestone. i thought that would have been obvious.
  
  i enjoyed your "lighter note" revolving around what you would/wouldn't do the day you kill yourself.

• #8

  Craig (Thursday, 26 July 2012 20:17)

  Maybe have the whole story of him thinking back over the fifty years. Go to places that he and has wife have been (remembering it has to be cheap to film if it was for this competition, no mountain tops, holidays, big party scenes) Maybe the ghost of his wife is with him, but I wouldn't have her speaking.