Mail Order by Pete Jackson

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When geek Sam's mail order bride drops dead he realises the truth can't always be buried, and that Natalya isn't quite what she seems.
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Comments: 5
  • #1

    Milethia (Sunday, 22 July 2012 14:02)

    Hi. Your screenplay is well-written and visual. It might be outside what I would normally watch, but I can still appreciate the intentions; and audiences come in all varieties.

    I had to look up ‘Zoo’ magazine because I didn’t know what you were referring to – now I do! I must be living a sheltered existence. I was a little slow with the tissue box.

    You clearly build up from the start an image of a teenager with his fads and fancies. I like the texts he receives from his best friend my_solidsnake.

    I might be tempted, however, to have him talking directly to his best friend – Skype or something - ‘Solid snake, over and out,’ as he turns his attention to his own valentine.

    I feel that, when you say that he begins to panic, it’s a little quick. That is because I imagined that this was his own place, with no one else around. Then you refer to -
    ‘Ruining his mother’s lawn’.So he’s living with his mother, but we never see the mother; so to aid his panic, you could have the mother – at least in an O.C. moment – so we know there’s someone else in the house.
    ‘Who was it, love?’
    ‘Postman.’
    ‘Anything interesting?’

    You know the sort of thing. This will build the tension he feels. With the anticipation for the character of his mother being in the background and potentially walking in on him, he has to be more surreptitious about things.

    All the best.

  • #2

    Pete (Sunday, 22 July 2012 14:08)

    Thanks, that's a good point. I guess i took for granted that people would realise sitting in a cluttered messy bedroom on MSN indicated he was living with his parents. Thanks for the feedback.

  • #3

    Nigel Sheppard (Monday, 23 July 2012 12:04)

    Nice effort Pete, it made me smile as I was reading. Good teen humour!

  • #4

    Craig (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 17:44)

    A good different story but a bit messy in places. For one, your scene heading. You've put continuous when they're not and you left one out when he gets his delivery, or his front door is in his bedroom?

  • #5

    Pete (Tuesday, 31 July 2012 16:47)

    Thanks Craig. I read it through so many times I didn't pick up on that with the scene headings. I was trying so hard to keep it concise and snappy that i must have just been blind to it.