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• #1

  Paul Holbrook (Friday, 20 July 2012 16:25)

  I thought this one was well written, but maybe nothing stand-out in regards to the plot/story.

• #2

  Jaye (Friday, 20 July 2012 17:17)

  Enjoyed the script, sorry you didn't get selected.

• #3

  Steven JC Johnson (Friday, 20 July 2012 18:26)

  Really enjoyed reading this. As I'm rubbish at deducing plot endings, I didn't see it coming. But I'm kind of thick. :)

• #4

  Pete (Friday, 20 July 2012 23:42)

  I agree with Paul. Really nice descriptive writing, but the dialogue gave the plot away instantly for me, and it didn't really help give it any punch.

• #5

  Alison (Saturday, 21 July 2012 02:01)

  I think you've written this really well, very descriptive and evocative but perhaps the only reason it didn't 'zing' for me was that it felt like there was no real twist/surprise. The V/O has a melancholy tone so the mood is down and the final scene just continues that downward vibe. To tell the same story but make more of an impact with the ending, the V/O could be more upbeat, even lighthearted and fun, with remembrances to convey the impression that she's about to meet with a lover who's been absent and that it could be an exciting or thrilling reunion (obviously trickier to do but possible, I think) but to keep the current V/O, for me, the ending needed to be something different, almost comical, to counteract the tone leading up to it.

• #6

  Craig (Saturday, 21 July 2012 10:22)

  To film a hosipal scene would be hard. As soon as you got to the hospital I new where the story wes going. But it wasn't bad.

• #7

  Aaron (Saturday, 21 July 2012 12:50)

  Sorry to not write much but I agree with Alison , who makes some really good points. But well done though.

• #8

  Layla (Sunday, 22 July 2012 14:04)

  Hi Alexandra,
  
  Was just wondering what was meant by:
  
  JOHN (V.O.)
  We talked about who would go first.
  I said you, and you said you, then
  you cried and I held you tight.
  
  Is he talking about who would die first? Reading this with a head cold, so maybe I missed the meaning through the fog!
  
  Following on from Craig's point, maybe you could've taken out the EXT/INT. Hospital entrance scene and changed the florist in the hospital scene to one on the high street?
  
  Liked the challenging subject matter!

• #9

  Aexandr (Sunday, 22 July 2012 20:06)

  Thanks very much for all your comments, I really appreciate the feedback. Onwards and upwards, I'll get through in the next one!!

• #10

  Nigel Sheppard (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 16:22)

  I think the dialogue would need to be a little more subtle, as it seems to suggest that the ending we see is coming. But a poignant ending nonetheless.

• #11

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