Write a comment

• #1

  Milethia (Saturday, 28 July 2012 10:11)

  I liked the twist at the end. Thought he was going home to his wife, but it turned out to be his gran. Sweet idea.
  
  A few things I picked up on.
  
  
  'Rab had a busy night, playing at a private function in the
  far east. Now he’s flown back to London for a Hyde Park
  reunion concert with his old band. They settle in backstage.'
  
  Viewers will not see any of the above. You haven't shown a busy night; haven't shown him at a privatge function, etc.
  
  Also, the backstage bit should be a scene heading.
  
  You don't always define your scene headings. For example, at the end, when he's outside his gran's house, you write
  
  EXT. EAST END LONDON - DAY
  
  when it should be something like -
  
  EXT. GRAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
  
  All the best.

• #2

  J Suriano (Saturday, 28 July 2012 11:19)

  Thanks for taking the time to read and the kind feedback. Reason I left out the scenes of the busy night/concert was mainly to make it easier to film and to fit in two pages, but appreciate the comments/structural points. Thanks again

• #3

  Milethia (Saturday, 28 July 2012 13:37)

  Hi. Just to clarify... I didn't mean that you should put those scenes in, just that they are redundant in screenplay writing terms. As you rightly say, they would be difficult to include in a two minute, low budget piece. All the best with this and other writing.