The Flatmate by Simon Regan
It's Valentine's Day, and 19 y/o David has been dumped. Scoffing down dodgy black market Valentine's chocolates alone in his room, he has a startling revelation. Confessing to his Youtube subscribers:
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Milethia (Thursday, 02 August 2012 18:25)
Funny. Original. Enjoyed it.
Some minor things to consider... Sometimes you don't always write in the present tense
'David panicked' better to write - 'David panics'?
'David with a squeal tossing the box of...' Better to write - 'David, with a squeal, tosses the box of...'
Again, a minor point, but you also capitalise some action - like TEAR, KISS - but it's best not to do this; sounds are okay.
All the best.