Boxes by Rhys Howell Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Boxes by Rhys Howell Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. You need to clarify this location – why would a 75 year old be in a dark warehouse looking at boxes of his old stuff unless it is a self storage depot, in which case a) state that it is b)
they tend to be very well lit. Is this the best location for the story? If it is a dark warehouse that he works in then would he be 75? Either way could a lo-to-no budget filmmaker get access to
it? How about setting it in an attic? Or a house?
2. Consider changing the ages of the male and female or changing the nature of the kiss – at the moment you have a 75 year old and 36 year old kissing passionately. This is unlikely to be cast
properly and might look strange.
3. How can you strengthen the ending? Would an 18 year old be working beside a 75 year old? Does he need to be found? What is a better emotional high point that the story can end on?
Have your say, what do you think?
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#1
The depth of your descriptions really helps to sell the tone and feel of the piece. I think this is both clever and emotional, well done.
Also, thanks for: 'Masses of paper red hearts suggest Cupid helped with the decor.' -
#2
Loved this. Really quirky short. I especially like the beautifully bittersweet ending, (SPOILER ALERT!) tragic that Stan’s dead but warmed by knowing he’s now where he should be, back by his wife’s side. Great writing style. I love cheeky, feisty Cath, trying to embarrassing hubby with her suggestive talk. Not just a bog standard ghost, a very real person. The only few things I’d suggest is could Stan have some sort of makeshift desk in there where the photo takes pride of place in a frame. Always find people actually holding and then putting away photos a tad forced. And I really don’t think you need Stan’s ‘…you died’ dialogue. We’d get it without it. And just to make sure the director gets your vision right make it clear if it’s a man(woman!)-sized box or if Cath ‘magically’ squeezes out of a smaller box. Really look forward to seeing it on screen. Huge congrats.
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#3
Like the idea of the script and feel it flows well. The only real suggestion I would have is making the box itself more significant. Whether its in the photo at the beginning or just linked in some way. It's the main prop and the title so just needs more of a link to the overal story. All in all it's a really great idea with a clever end. Very good.
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#4
Good entertaining script
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#5
Great script
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#6
Very moving, Rhys. I agree - you can lose the "you died". Let it hang unspoken and let the audience do a bit of subtext work. :)
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#7
Thanks everyone for your feedback, glad my script is being enjoyed. Now onto the feedback.
Phil-Cheers for the feedback. What if rather than him putting it away in his pocket, the coughing fit hits him whilst he's looking at the picture and he drops it, and then stumbles into the shelving?
I originally saw the box as Washing Machine size, but I quite like both that visual and the "magic box" visual, and it'd be interesting to see how different filmmakers approach it. I may take out the ambiguity on the next pass though.
And I agree I could get rid of "you died" bit. Shall try it out that way.
Stephen-Thanks for your suggestion. I'll give some thought to if I can make the box more prominent without showing my hand too early.
Cheers Jo for the feedback and the "you died" back up. Its a strong suggestion. -
#8
All that expositional dialogue!
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#9
Thanks for the feedback John, do you mean the top of page 2? Any suggestions?
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#10
Best I've read so far (sooo many excellent shorts) - Boxes has a wonderful atmosphere you have packed so much into 2 pages - I liked the 'you died' bit as it suggested to me that a part of their (alive) relationship had a fun side so for me I would keep this in also, I assumed that the box was an appropriate size I think because she 'emergesd like a siren' loved this, but for me the size was immaterial to the idea that she had been there 'most of the time' suggesting she was watching over him, how lovely; I am looking forward to seeing this filmed (and from Sheffield too!)
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#11
Well done. Enjoyed reading this script. Good descriptive language.
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#12
I love this script, definitely my favorite so far and most likely the one I'm going to shoot. I don't have any feedback, I think it's great the way it is. Good job!
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#13
Thanks Sheila, Ruth and Liam. Pleased this is getting such positive feedback.
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#14
Also if you do go for my script Liam, feel free to drop me a line on twitter @ghop56 if you want to discuss/tweak it. Same goes to anyone out there who'd like to make it.
Rhys Howell (Wednesday, 29 August 2012 14:55)
Some new drafts up, please feel free to make any of them.