Smasheroo by James Howard Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Smasheroo by James Howard Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. We felt this was a good script, and it offered a real insight into a moment in these people’s lives. The frustrations with each other, and the situation they are in, is likely to come
out through the performances of the actors.
2. Please consider changing the cat with the heart shaped spot. It will be difficult for a lo-to-no budget filmmaker to source and film.
3. Also consider changing the Phil Hartman reference – it’s not universal. If someone in the UK or Australia wanted to film this they might be put off as they don’t know who this person is. We
know this is tied into the heart reference but given that has been a suggested change too, you could try and find some reference with clear emotional resonance here, to hit home about the love in
this relationship, despite the challenges.
Have your say, what do you think?
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. We felt this was a good script, and it offered a real insight into a moment in these people’s lives. The frustrations with each other, and the situation they are in, is likely to come
out through the performances of the actors.
2. Please consider changing the cat with the heart shaped spot. It will be difficult for a lo-to-no budget filmmaker to source and film.
3. Also consider changing the Phil Hartman reference – it’s not universal. If someone in the UK or Australia wanted to film this they might be put off as they don’t know who this person is. We
know this is tied into the heart reference but given that has been a suggested change too, you could try and find some reference with clear emotional resonance here, to hit home about the love in
this relationship, despite the challenges.
Have your say, what do you think?
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#1
I’m sorry for my bad English :-(
IMHO, there is no story here, just a situation without movement.
Just my opinion, I’m sorry very much.
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#2
Anyway
congratulation and all the best!!! -
#3
Not bad, I like the dimentia/memory loss idea: 4/5
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#4
Well done. An easy shoot with the right actors.
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#5
Very real and very touching as a consequence!
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#6
Thrilled that my script is among the final 50, but I'm a little distressed by the logline written for it. Could someone change "bump on the head" to "head injury" and "ever patient lover" to "concerned husband"? That would be a better description.
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#7
Hi James,
I enjoyed reading this. My best bit was the end - the sense that she's getting better.
From a development point of view, I think it might work slightly better if she was a bit less coo-coo. Perhaps simple memory loss? I didn't really get the numbers thing and the calculator, but perhaps I'm missing something? I think that you could perhaps think about cutting this calculator exchange down by a phrase or two, which would give a bit more space for the tenderness between them to come out through actions. Washing her hands maybe? I think the handicap could be more powerful for being more subtle.
The only other note is to think about cutting Hartman from Phil Hartman. I think if it was just phil, it would work better as a line. Otherwise we wonder is the cat called Phil Hartman? how come she got the last name right but the first name wrong? Possibly just a simple Phil is more powerful. We reveal that it's the wrong name, which is a nice bittersweet gag, but then there's a positivity to it, in that she's remembered the name of the cat for the first time.
best of luck for getting through. I'd really welcome any feedback you have on my script! Practice Makes Perfect, Mark Pallis.
Cheers -
#8
Sweet story.
My only comment is that when I was reading I kept having troubles picturing how old they were. Again very minor, but will help the reader. -
#9
Thanks for the notes, Mark & Ryan. I'll look at your scripts, too. Mine's a fairly straightforward depiction of the immediate aftermath of my wife's head injury, circa 1998. Her aphasia had all kinds of weirdness--the obsessive counting, mistaking me for our cat, having to relearn the names of things--all that and the crazy bathroom/calculator stuff, too. Some things may be less useful than others, and Mark's suggestions for trimming the script seem valid. But I like the rhythm of it as is. And my experience of screenwriting is that, ultimately, rhythm is at least half the game. Thanks again.
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#10
I liked it very poignant
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#11
Hi James. I'm with C Bacon and Margaret on this one. I really liked your script. I thought you handled the exposition and her moment of realisation well. The dialogue had a lovely poetry to it, and I thought you managed to convey clearly the relationship and situation they were in. The inaccuracies in the logline and some of the comments above are in no way a reflection of lack of clarity in your script. All that is, except Ryan's. Perhaps you disagree, but I think age does matter in this situation. If you disagree, then I'd leave it as is and allow those who direct your script to interpret it as they see fit. But if you agree, then I think it would be helpful to clarify this in the character descriptions.
My only other note is on your final image. Narratively speaking, I think the heart shape on the cat detracts from the power of your final scene. It doesn't add to the resolution of the story and takes the focus away from the couple. Moreover, the tone it strikes doesn't seem congruent with the reality of the situation for the characters. Finally, given that you've already created individual and memorable characters in the script, it doesn't seem worth the production effort to attempt to create it. I'd be interested in talking to you more about it. If you're on twitter, DM me on @darwinfranks. -
#12
Hi James,
I hadn't realised that it was inspired by real events. I apologize if my comments may have come across as insensitive in any way, that was not my intention.
Thanks for your thoughts on my script, and all best wishes
Mark -
#13
I guessed this was based on real events when reading it...it has that ring of truth. I think it will work really well and is filled with lovely moments. I'm a little bit with Mark on the dialogue though. I think there is a bit too much "coo-coo", but more, I'd like him to respond more directly to her. For example, I'd like him to respond to her first question, "What for?" And have a quicker response to her keyboard gesture - I got that she wanted a phone (or calculator) earlier than HE did. And not seem surprised when she has her first bathroom line (he says "What?", but surely he would just reply, "This IS the bathroom" - "What?" makes him seem surprised that she's confused).
I also think this film needs to be really physical - the way she moves, her face saying nothing, his face, searching...and to some extent the "crazy" lines detracted from that for me - less was more of those, if you know what I mean. To put it another way - the thing that was moving for me about this was the idea of a man searching for the woman he loves and is sure still exists in the damaged mind she has left. But instead it became a little bit, look how crazy she's acting.
I totally get you about the rhythm, of course, and agree that's so important, but I'm sure you can achieve that still - and of course the rhythm will come out of the pictures as well as the dialogue.
Can't wait to see it made though. It's one that would tempt me as a filmmaker. -
#14
great story, really nice & poignant, the pace and rhythum is good, her first bit of dialogue I didn't quite get, but later realised it is with her opulsive counting.
Easy to shoot, hopefully with the right actors for this, as they will be crucial to making this a stand out of the 50. -
#15
wow i absolutely love this. you can tell this is a personal memory, very well written and you can't tell from the first few lines where it is going, well done. although the beginning is a little repetititve i think that reinforces what his life is like at the moment, patient repeating to the girl he loves, sweet.
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#16
A heartfelt entry. The depth of the love comes through and with the right actors this will come across as an intimate insight into the lives of this loving couple.
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#17
Thanks for the feedback, everybody.
Darwin, you may be right about the importance of specifying age, but I'll be interested to hear what filmmakers have to say about casting. And you may be absolutely right about the cat. Could feel contrived and tonally off. Again, I think it depends on the filmmaker (and to a certain extent on the cat). If it's done well and feels natural, it could be a nice touch. If not, yecch.
Michelle, your comments are very insightful. If it were a three-page script, there'd be room to fill in some of the blanks about physical behavior. I cut a lot of stage direction to get to two pages. I think the right director and actors can bring a lot of that to life—the right looks, movements, gestures. The thing I remember most about the real-life scene this is taken from is how exhausted I was and how unequipped I felt to deal with it all. When my wife asked me the bathroom question, my first response was, "Oh, God, I don't think I can do another one of these crazy conversations." An earlier draft expressed some of that fear and fatigue, and the trade-off may not reflect the best choices I could make. The guy is a little too one-note as I've written him.
If I get to work with a director on revisions, I may be able to address some of these things. Thanks again. -
#18
I read one very similar to this in the 'near-kisses' scripts. I really think it's pretty bland and has no real involvement for the viewer/reader. Is it even set on valentines? It's well written enough but I've read better...
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#19
I thought the producer's notes were good and, in fact, had already made those two specific changes. I don't actually think it would be hard to put a heart-shaped patch on a cat's fur, but I did think it might be just a little too on-the-nose sentimental—and in any case, once you lose the Phil Hartman reference, there's no literal reason for the cat to have that name.
I looked in vain for a script anything like mine in the near-kisses group, so I don't know which script Pete's referring to.
Anyway, I'm submitting the new draft.
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Al Bellg (Thursday, 23 August 2012 16:58)
Great script! What I like is the potential evolution of the guy... I can see him playing a bit of frustration in the early parts, maybe describing the valentine and photo with a touch of "how many times do I need to say this?" resignation (per your thoughts on Michelle's comment), then her naked question giving him a chance to be aware of his need and love for her. He can play it a lot of ways and give his character insight at the end. Maybe reflect your intentions for him with just a few words in his stage notes. Cool, man.
James Howard (Monday, 11 March 2013 15:03)
Albert Bellg! How are you?
Somehow I missed you in the run of comments on the script. Thanks so much for weighing in. The Evan Marlowe version definitely emphasized the guy's frustration--he and I went back and forth about that before he shot it. If you've watched any of the films made from the script, you've seen how different they can be from the way you see it in your head. I'm not unaccustomed to that, but the weird thing here was how quickly everything happened. I usually work on stuff for five or twelve years and then, if I'm lucky, get to see it in an audience of five to twelve people.
I showed up here today just to copy the link to this page as part of an attempt to get some work. I've been freelancing for several years now, and until a few months ago had more work than I could get done. A very shaky start to the year here, though. If you know anyone who needs a writer (and don't want the gig yourself), don't hesitate to send them my way!
Drop me a note sometime at jasphoward@gmail.com if you want to catch up.
Thanks for the feedback—
Jim