Proof of Love by Jesco Puluj Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Proof of Love by Jesco Puluj Draft 2
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. Consider condensing the scene description at the beginning and use it set up the premise that couples are getting into the club free. You can do this visually, for example, is there a sign
that says this? Perhaps this becomes the catalyst of how they get to know each other?
2. Make it more explicit as to why they are there alone If they are truly shy it would be difficult to go to a club by themselves by themselves. The girl has a friend inside, but what about
the guy?
3. We loved the proof gag, it is after all the crux of the film but felt that in most clubs most people ask for ID rather than proof. How can the joke play out without seeming forced? Would it
work better a visual gag? Is there a sign – under the couples get in free sign – that reads proof of age, and someone is hiding the of age part?
Have your say, what do you think?
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#1
A neat story, predictable until the little twist at the end.
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#2
I love it, great twist.
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#3
A bit ho-hum, for me, but (just) saved by the nice joke at the end. One small point and one bigger one: first, surely they are younger than 20 - 18, I'd say. Secondly, a club offering couples free entry on Valentine's night? No way, not on the one day that couples are a captive audience.
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#4
Loved it, great build up topped off by the twist.
The 'couples get in free' thing isn't an issue for me, we can imaging the club trying something a bit out of the box to get people through the door.
Good work. -
#5
Nice ending, but their meeting & interaction needs work to feel fresher.
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#6
Great little ending - very nice - congratulations!!
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#7
Didn't like it at all till the end but then it made up for it.
Think how people talk. When Dalia is asked if she's alone. "She's" not "she is" and "I'm" not "I am"
Cut to new scene when they go in. For one you are moving to a new scene and it will also make it flow. As soon as they finish talking outside cut to INT. They're next in line, they look at the sigh.
The last line just needs to be "Proof of age?" -
#8
Very cute story and made me smile : )
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#9
Like this. The awkwardness between them comes across well.
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#10
Like this. Will rely heavily on the actors comic timing to make it stand out though
Write a comment
Victor van Doorn (Wednesday, 05 September 2012 03:32)
Haha, totally delicious!
Susie (Saturday, 08 September 2012 00:00)
The dialogue could have been more interesting - their actions were more absorbing that their actual words. I did enjoy the twist though.
Karine (Tuesday, 13 November 2012 14:37)
Well done! Cute film, I thought the twist at the end was very amusing, made me smile.