Nothing Ventured by Nina Haerland Drafts 2 and 3
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Nothing Ventured by Nina Haerland Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
“Nothing Ventured” tells a lovely story but the conclusion is a little obvious. All notes come from the point of view that it’s essentially Kate’s story, with Jack the one altering her
status quo;
1. There’s an element of misdirection needed for the audience during the set up. We have to think Jack is getting these flowers for someone else. Has he left someone outside the shop
waiting? Or is his car on a double yellow with the hazards on, indicating he has someone to rush off to?
2. Let’s tighten the stakes a little too. Currently Kate lets him into the shop too easily. He works harder to get in; she works harder to keep him out. We’re told that she
wants to shut and go home but you need to show this.
If she’s there way past the closing time written on the door, or has a huge pile of takings from the day, and has her ‘dinner for one’ ready to take home, we’ll know she’s had the day from
hell.
3. With our 50 scripts now finalised, we’re looking to be sure that they are as differentiated from each other as possible. If you can, please read and follow the development of “Love
Letters” – facets of this and your stories are quite similar, so we’re keen to they are differentiated as much as can be.
Have your say, what do you think?
-
#1
The ending is a nice surprise and I didn't predict it. The beginning could be stronger I didn't like Kate at first and I think she should more likeable so we understand jack's admiration at the end, however I warmed to her when she showed passion for the flowers
-
#2
I saw the end coming pretty much straightaway - certainly by the time she smells the jonquils. Starting with her is a giveaway as in a short we guess that it must be her story...might not have guessed if you'd started on him.
-
#3
Very sweet - congratulations!
-
#4
Its a lovely idea, but when you come to film it, the twist will be obvious very early on, especially from how Jack interacts with Kate
-
#5
The twist was an early pick for me too. I like the concept but with a predictable twist it might be a hard sell for a short film.
If Jack's intentions are going to be predictable, then maybe altering the twist is a potential idea; After buying the bouquet Jack is waiting nervously outside, Kate exits and locks up, Jack steels himself and goes to approach Kate, Kate's boyfriend arrives (kiss), end on a shot of the bouquet in a rubbish bin. -
#6
Really enjoyed reading your script. Huge congrats. But I’m afraid as soon as he said ‘she doesn’t know’ I absolutely predicted the outcome. Might work better if we did think he was buying the flowers for an actual girlfriend. And as she’s wrapping them could he be trying to establish is she’s single, us at this point just thinking it’s polite chatter but then at the end we’ll realise why he needed to know. I felt there was a beat missing at the end, felt unfinished. Absolutely loved Damian’s suggestion for an alternative ending.
-
#7
I got the ending when Jack said he passes the shop every day.
It's a nice story but is it good enough, 5 out of 7 of us have seen the ending coming.
Sorry but good try. -
#8
Sure I saw the ending coming but I loved it anyway : )
-
#9
It's funny how different people think. I met with my co-producer on Friday to talk about filming options and this was one of the films that was extensively discussed. His love for the script came from the fact that is WAS so predictable and he thought that it would be really fun for the actors to play.
I spent so much time looking for twists and clever writing when reviewing the scripts that I almost missed a fantastic oportunity in this one here.
Nina, there is a charm to your script because of the simplicity and predictability and I am happy to say that Nothing Ventured is currently on our shortlist. All the best for the refining process, I will be interested in reviewing the shooting script. -
#10
Ok agree with those who say the story was predictable from early on - but written so naturally, smoothly and with a good pace. Agree with Damian, great fun to produce - and pretty to!
-
#11
Far too predictable. Not that everything needs twists and turns, but if you're going for run of the mill it needs to be stronger. Would like to read again after the developments.
Write a comment
Damian Mallon (Friday, 24 August 2012 08:31)
Nicely tidied up. There's even more fun in this version of the script and the more auditions we've been holding, the more we love it.
One small point: In the original there was the moment of recgonition "I work upstairs", which is now missing. In the original draft it was very early on in the script and soiled the ending but it might be a good idea to reinsert that moment of recognition (towards the end of the script), otherwise Jack comes across as a bit creepy and stalkerish.